House Arrest: the original
by roxypony
Summary: They thought defeating him was hard? That was nothing. Try babysitting him. AU. Slight OOC. -DISCONTINUED HERE- Picked up over in the Avengers category under the same name.
1. Cheetos

__Wow, I'm shocked actually wrote this down. I'm not yet 100% sure where I'm actually going with it, but I sure am having a great time xD I wrote this to be the first third of chapter 1, but then decided it would be better off standing alone as a prologue/introduction type of deal. Even though I feel slightly guilty for posting something so short... meh, I'll get over it.

This is pretty much AU, set after the Avengers movie.

* * *

**prologue. **

* * *

_**3:41 pm, Sunday**_

The magnanimous Stark mansion had seen many things throughout its years. Big things and small things, important things, and those that were not-so-much. Some_ freaky-ass_ things, a few truly _odd _things, and even the occasional _downright disturbing _thing. Of all the possible _things _that could happen in the universe, there were very _few _of them that had _not _occurred in the House of Stark at least _once_, at some point or another.

But on one profoundly average Saturday afternoon -partly cloudy, 18 degrees, wind out of the west- a certain vastly exorbitant Malibu beach house (more specifically, the living room of aforementioned house) became the location of _the thing._ You know, the thing that's on the absolute bottom of anyone's list of _Stuff That Will Likely Happen. _The last thing that anyone would ever _ever_ expect to occur.

In the middle of the room sat a coffee table. On the coffee table sat a bowl of Cheetos. Parallel to the coffee table was a very small couch, something of a loveseat. Crammed onto this (rather uncomfortable) seating arrangement was a set of three rather imposing figures: the Man of Iron, the God of Thunder, and the Captain of America. Each decked out in full battle armour and wearing expressions of indignance (in the case of a certain Tony Stark) utter befuddlement (referring to one Thor Odinson) and apprehensive vigilance (regarding Mr. Steven Rogers.)

The three most powerful men in the world were gawking uncertainly across the room, blatantly ignoring the crisp bowl of Cheetos (which had been placed there by a hopeful Pepper Potts, no doubt an effort to break the overwhelming tension in the room.) The object of their interest (i.e., abhorrence) was sitting alone on the largest couch in the room, directly on middle cushion as though he'd done the math to find the _exact_ centre point. Slender body leaned back comfortably, emerald eyes observing his companions with equal attentiveness, complacent expression belying the fact that he was no more comfortable with the arrangements than the boy-band known as the Avengers were.

It's more or less true that each new day brings unlimited possibilities, with a million-plus-one different potential endings. Being who they were, Avengers were no stranger to the bizzare, the random, and the utterly _insane_, but no one had anticipated such an ordinary weekend ending with the God of Mischief (aka Midgard's Most Wanted) sitting on Tony Stark's living room couch.

So how exactly had the world's most awkward faceoff-over-Cheetos come to pass?

It started with a phone call.

* * *

Curious yet? ;)

The next chapter is almost done and will be up very shortly. I have a shit ton of more A/N's to address, but I'm going to stick them with the next installment because this is just a test chapter where nothing really happens xD it's kind of a flash-forward deal.

PLEASE, be kind and review/sub. If you read my silly oneshot Ice & PopTarts, you'll know I'm a newb to the Thor/Avengers universe but am completely in love with all of it :) I want this to be successful! xD

Until I post again, (possibly tonight) !

RXP


	2. Forcible Detainment

_**THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYONE WHO REVIEWED THE PROLOGUE! :) **_**Laura-Isabel, Sharem, Keeper-of-the-Cheese, dhauren, Wannabe Nightmare, mimi, chatnoir1, Laelwen, BlinkTed, and The Pearl Maiden ! And the buttload of subs/faves, YAY :)**

I SO did not expect that much feedback in such a short amount of time. And to be honest, now I'm petrified it won't live up to the hype. *is paranoid in shiny new fandom* xD but I can't say I didn't try. I took my time with this one, probably a total of 10 hours over the past 3 days. And sacrificed quite a big chunk of study time (poor time management is my middle name) because once I got going, I just couldn't stop xD I did have a LOT of fun writing this. AU can be so much fun :)

This is still a bit of intro, future chapters will have a lot more dialogue.

Remember, this is post-Avengers. Obviously we don't know what's gonna happen in Avengers yet (if you do, then you and I need to have a talk) so whatever references I make will be vague. Any spoilers will be purely coincidental and will mean I'm psychic ;)

Yes, I own the Avengers. I'm a multibillionaire who resides in a house that makes Tony's look like a shed. I also breed unicorns. Let's be serious here.

Enjoy!

* * *

**forcible detainment**

* * *

_**The Previous Day…**_

Not even a week had elapsed since the last battle. It had been a good one, even by the Avengers' high standards. The war had been won; good conquered bad, courage prospered, evil got canned, and all that heroical stuff. Woulda-Been-King Loki had been apprehended by S.H.I.E.L.D., and his army of darkness deported to another realm via wormhole. Midgard was in the process of repair, well on its way back to its former glory. The Avengers themselves had escaped in one piece for the most part; the odd cut or bruise to be had, but nothing that had held any of them back from getting gloriously intoxicated the night after (Steve excepted, of course). And the night after that, and the night after that in a succession of celebrations that each rivalled a Stark birthday bash. Thor and Steve had basically been hibernating in the Stark mansion ever since, having taken up residence in two of Tony's abundant spare rooms. The troop of Avengers were in a state of decompression following the epic final clash, spending inordinate amounts of time sampling whatever junk food was to be had (Thor), testing -and somehow further complicating- every bit of 21st century technology that was to be found (Steve), and of course running his international megacorporation (Tony). Not to mention filling out ostentatious amounts of de-brief paperwork, S.H.I.E.L.D. and otherwise governmental.

It had been an interesting week, that was for sure. But a week like that is one of those times that are fun while they last, but not something you want to live every day. Even if your mansion is Stark-worthy, cabin fever is inevitable. The holiday was over; it was time to disband. Tony had things to do, people to see, and machinery to manufacture. (And he missed having his house in a state of relative peace that simply wasn't available with a technologically dysfunctional supersoldier and socially challenged Norse god running around.) Steve was all set to do some more part-time S.H.I.E.L.D. work under Fury's supervision while he got used to how things worked 21st century. And Thor was getting ready to head home to Asgard, most likely to smash some more stuff, drink a bit (i.e., a _bunch_), brag to his friends, and generally do Thor-type activities. Everyone was ready to get on with their lives.

The night before Steve and Thor planned to leave… Nick Fury called; _AVENGERS (re)ASSEMBLE!_ _Emergency meeting at S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ, attendance mandatory, and yes Tony that means you too, and no I don't care that _The Good Wife_ is marathoning onTV, and don't you dare grumble, I know you have TiVo, so you all need to get your asses over here NOW. Don't make me come over there! _

The trio of superguys obliged (with much grumbling from Tony) and hit the road. They plunked their butts down in Fury's office in S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ at 10:17 pm. And the briefing began.

It turned out the newly-convicted Loki was not taking well to life in absolute-maximum-times-a-billion-security prison. Or perhaps absolute-maximum-times-a-billion-security prison was not taking well to Loki, by the sounds of it. He was under supervision 25 hours a day by the most highly trained professionals on the planet - he regularly made them cry. He was confined in the most high-tech containment unit the world had to offer - he turned the walls green for his own entertainment. The world's finest physiologic analysts had been flown in from every corner of the globe - they didn't know what to make of him. The only reason he hadn't escaped was a combination of sheer luck, Loki's inherent amusement at terrorizing his guards, and the fact that his powers had been partially depleted. Oh, and Odin had seen the entire debacle and being unimpressed with his adopted son's actions, blocked him from leaving Earth through any means. Therefore banishment/deportation wasn't an option. And seeing as he was immortal and all, neither was the electric chair. That left only one option - forcible detainment.

"Anyway," Fury had said. "This brings us to our current dilemma..."

As it turned out, Loki was being 'fired' from jail. As in, _they just couldn't take him anymore. They were at their wits' ends. 7 guards in 3 days had gone on (paid) stress leave. They were under-equipped to handle a meglo-manical immortal. _That sort of thing.

"Don't look at us." Tony had snorted with great irascibility. "We defeated the guy once, that was enough. He's national security's problem now."

Ever the honourable one, Steve shot him a reproachful glare. Meanwhile, Thor tried to puzzle out where exactly Fury was going with this. All along he'd had a sneaking suspicion that the Midgardian government would ultimately fail in their attempt to detain his brother, but he thought they'd at least last longer than a week…

Nick had cast his irritable one-sided gaze over the collection of men sitting in front of him, seemingly waiting for them to do the math. When they apparently didn't, he dropped the bomb rather bluntly.

"Avengers, you have a new mission. S.H.I.E.L.D. is officially releasing the subject into your custody. Tomorrow, the subject will be transported to the facility the three of you are currently using as a home base, where he -and yourselves- will remain until further notice. You are to use whatever means necessary to keep him contained and ensure he is unable to pose further harm to society."

Following that was a moment of shocked silence, as each of them internalized the task that had just been charged with. Naturally, Tony had been the first to speak up.

"Okay, I get what you're saying here, but you see, Mr. Fury, this is a problem because the _facility_ we are currently using as our home base,_ just happens to be my actual home. _Like, where I live. As in, where I eat, sleep, and occasionally-"

At that point he was cut off by a Fury launching into a lecture pertaining to the fact that Malibu mansion or not, the Avengers remained the only force on Earth that was capable of containing such a highly dangerous public menace as Loki (or 'the subject' as to which he was referred) and just because the battle had been won does not mean that they (_they_ meaning _Tony_) could immediately return to life as they knew it. It was all in the fine print of the documents they'd been signing for the past few days. Like it or not, their duty was far from over. And in this particular case, 'duty' involved Thor's psychopathic little brother moving into his trillion-dollar beach house.

To no one's surprise, Tony threw something that resembled a hissy fit, kicked his chair over, punched a stack of official-looking documents, and attempted to climb over the table to strangle the living shit out of Mr. Fury. Thor and Steve had exchanged a sidelong glance, then calmly pulled a violently cussing Tony off of Nick and pushed him back into his chair. While the genius-billionaire-playboy-philanthropist was too angry to form a coherent sentence, Fury went on to explain how S.H.I.E.L.D. officials had already been dispatched to the Stark mansion shortly to update and re-equip whatever security measures were in place, as well as add a few new ones to the mix. Once they were satisfied that the house was as secure as possible, 'the subject' would immediately be transferred.

"I have a full-time _job_, in case you weren't aware. I don't have time to babysit the God of freaking Mischief, and I can't run my business from my house." Tony had insisted with great determination.

"I'm certain your fellow Avengers will be more than a match for the subject when you are unavailable, Mr. Stark."

"With all due respect Sir, they can't even figure out the microwave. No offence, guys."

"The box of microscopic waves is force to be reckoned with." Thor contributed. Steve nodded in assent.

"What about the others? Last time I checked, Clint, Bruce, and Nat signed all the same legal crap we did. And I don't see you locking up a convicted supervillain in _their _houses." Tony sulked.

"They have other business to attend to. I can't stick all my Avengers on the same subject now, can I? You three are the most physically powerful, and in the cases of Mr. Rogers and Mr. Odinson, I understand you have a bit of free time on your hands. " Fury shot back. "Now, is there anything else before I kick your asses out of my office?"

"Uhm… I think we're all set, thank you." said Steve politely as he and Thor grabbed Tony securely by the arms in case he decided to re-launch his physical assault against the one-eyed S.H.I.E.L.D. official.

"The subject will arrive at the Stark Mansion at approximately noon tomorrow. I will see you all then. Good evening, gentlemen." Fury dismissed.

"Mr. Furry; before we retreat back to the palace of Stark, I do have a final concern." Thor spoke up.

"It's _Fury, _Thor. Just _Fury. _Not _Furry. _We've been through this." Tony scolded through gritted teeth.

"That is what I said! Furry." Thor replied obliviously. Tony face palmed as best he could with Steve steering him firmly out the door. "Sir, I hope you do not think me rude, but I fear you are tragically mis-pronouncing my brother's name."

"Is that so?" Furry/Fury replied tiredly.

"Yes, you see… I am unsure as to why, but you pronounce it something like '_the subject_' whereas his name is quite simply, _Loki_." Thor explained earnestly.

"Fair enough." said Nick, appearing slightly disconcerted at Thor's pointed correction. "Very well, then. _Loki_ will be escorted to Mr. Stark's home at 12 pm tomorrow. Until then, my dear Avengers."

"Wait!" Tony interrupted, firmly grasping the edges of the doorframe as he was forcibly removed from the room by his comrades. "Are you _completely_ sure this arrangement is the absolute _best _solution you guys can come up with? You're S.H.I.E.L.D. for chrissakes!"

"If you really want to know, Mr. Stark, plan B involved the three of you taking up permanent residence at the secure detainment facility, rather than the other way around. I'm sure you understand why I didn't feel the need to present this as an option to you. Unless you have an affinity for the prison lifestyle that I'm not aware of?"

"Um, _yeah _thanks but no thanks. That'll be all, Nick."

Fury pretended he didn't hear Tony's subsequent mutter of _"Asshole!" _as he exited.

###

Once a severely sulky Tony Stark had been placated with a trip to Burger King, the golden trio made fast tracks back to the mansion. As Fury promised, they were greeted by an army of S.H.I.E.L.D. officials, technicians, analysts, scientists, etc., all of whom were on task to transform the lavish living establishment into a maximum-security holding area, like a twisted parody of baby-proofing one's house. There were lasers on every door and window frame, programmed to detect only Loki's DNA (But how they'd gotten ahold of his DNA in the first place? That was anybody's guess). There were almost-invisibly-tiny security cameras in absolutely every corner, each sending live feed to all of the Avengers' cellular devices, able to be viewed at will. There was even (Thor found this utterly hilarious) a trip-wire in place that would drop a net on someone who tried to exit through the fire escape. Every single bit of security technology on the entire planet had seemingly been implemented somewhere in this house, to Tony's absolute horror. JARVIS was even less pleased, continuously complaining about the high amounts of unfamiliar signals and radial interference until he apparently had a mental (could you call it that?) breakdown and shut off completely. Coffee in hand, Tony set about reprogramming his friend and resolved to make Fury suffer for this. It was going to be a long night.

Meanwhile, Steve dutifully educated himself about how the new systems worked until the technicians threatened to drop a net on him if he didn't cease curiously touching everything that sported a blinking light. Thor mowed through yet another box of PopTarts, not quite sure what to make of this situation. Of course he missed the days when he and Loki lived under the same roof, but that was childhood. _That_ Thor and Loki had been two very different individuals than the ones due to be reunited in 12 hours' time. Thor was an Avenger now, and Loki… well, he was pretty much as opposite as one could get. They weren't merely brothers anymore, they were captor and prisoner. And Thor wasn't entirely sure he liked that notion. So he opened another box of PopTarts, deeply in thought…

Halfway through the box, his face lit up as though he'd eaten a lightbulb. Then he sprinted out to the massive deck overlooking the ocean, and proceeded to holler something about a handle, or at least that's what it sounded like.

"What the…?" Steve muttered, observing his friend's antics through the plate-glass window.

"Beats the hell outta me." Tony shrugged irritably, settling down into the spot on the couch Thor had just vacated and turning up the bass on his remote-controlled stereo to drown out Thor's racket.

"Did you fix JARVIS?" the supersoldier inquired kindly.

"Yeah, I had to program him to override about 30 different types of frequencies, and block the goddamn S.H.I.E.L.D. server from accessing his database, but I think he'll live."

"Ah, those darn _frequencies_." Steve replied knowingly, sipping his mocha.

"You didn't understand a single word I just said." Tony smirked.

"That's a false statement. I understood, _Yeah, _and _I think he'll live_." the blonde retorted.

"Remind me to introduce you to DUM-E sometime."

"What's that supposed to -"

"My friends! I have most excellent news!" Thor's thundering tone echoed once again across the house as he gallumphed back across the deck towards the house - where he met an unfortunate fate with the sliding screen door. "_Bah! _Damn the semi-invisible miniature net to Hel for attempting to defeat the Son of Odin! Friend Stark, why have you deemed this a necessary addition to your portal to the out-of-doors? I hope you are not under the delusion that it is a security feature for it does absolutely nothing to keep anyone out, as I have just proved..." the god ranted vehemently as he extracted himself from the screen by shredding it to bits.

"It's a screen, Thor." Tony sighed with exasperation. "It keeps the fresh air in and the wild animals out."

"Yet Thor managed to get in anyway." Pepper commented dryly.

"Lady Potts, what are you implying?" Thor demanded indignantly as he shed the last of the screen.

"Back to your most excellent news. What was the purpose for the shouting about handles just now?" Steve interrupted.

"My dearest family and friends shall be assisting us in our newest challenge! And it is not _handle, _Friend Rogers, but rather _Heimdall._ The all-seeing gatekeeper of my home, Asgard. He controls access to and from the Nine Realms with the Bifrost. I exchanged words with him just now, he has informed the mighty Odin Allfather of our current Midgardian predicament, and my father has offered to grace us with his assistance by placing ancient magic protection around these walls! In the unlikely event that my brother is to evade this house and wander the Earth at large, noble Heimdall will locate him immediately and dispatch my dear friends The Warriors Three through the Bifrost to subdue him until we arrive. You see, my friends, tis' a most foolproof strategy!" Thor finished, beaming like a child on Christmas at his own cleverness.

Tony and Steve stared back, slack jawed with confusion and considerably less enthused.

"21st century technology is looking pretty straightforward now, huh?" Tony muttered.

"You're not kidding." Steve sighed.

"Pepper, could I get a refill? Triple shot of espresso please." Tony inquired, holding his IronMan-printed mug aloft. "And Thor, buddy, you're gonna have to repeat that. In English this time if you don't mind. God, this is officially the longest night of my life and _that_ my friends, is saying something."

"I don't doubt that, Tony. Thor, you said your father is placing magic protection on the house? Do explain." Steve questioned uncertainly.

"Explain what you mean by explain? I know not how I can further clarify myself." Thor scratched his head.

"What we mean is, how the hell is your dad gonna do …whatever he's gonna do… from wherever the hell he is? Isn't Ass-Guard-"

"_Asgard_, Friend Stark. It is called _Asgard._"

"That's what I said, Ass-Guard. Isn't that on the other side of the universe, or something?"

"The Allfather's power has no limit." Thor replied, stubbornly crossing his (very buff) arms.

"And what exactly is he planning on doing to my house?" Tony shot back, crossing his own (notably smaller) arms and determinedly staring his immortal friend down.

"Of that, I am uncertain."

"Hmm. I see. Now Thor, you know I trust you with my life, but I am simply not comfortable with-"

At that moment, there was a blinding-mind-blowing-skeletion-exposing-eyeball-debilitating flash of white light - not outside, but right there in the living room - and an accompanying roll of thunder that was nearly enough to render someone permanently deaf. Stricken with shock and panic, Steve immediately sought shelter beneath the coffee table while Tony practically jumped into Pepper's arms, effectively spilling the mug of hot coffee she'd just re-emerged with. Following the flash, the power went out and the House of Stark was plunged into pitch blackness. There was a moment of ringing silence where just about everyone feared they'd gone both blind and deaf, until the backup generator kicked in and the house came back to life to reveal Steve curled up under the coffee table. Tony and Pepper entangled on the floor in a pool of spilled coffee. And Thor staring down at Mjolnir which was glowing slightly and smoking.

"To answer your previous conundrum, Friend Stark, the Allfather did so lend us help by channeling energy through Mjolnir. Once Loki enters this house, he will be unable to leave until such a time when my father chooses to lift the enchantment. I doubt even my brother will be able to outwit the Allfather's power."

"And _why_, Thor, why on Earth, or Ass-Guard, or wherever, is your father doing this?" a very shaken Tony grumbled, climbing to his feet and looking disdainfully down at his coffee-soaked front.

"Because he has declared my dearest brother is to be… ah, what is the Midgardian term? Oh yes, _grounded._"

"So his dad doesn't want him any more than we do." Tony summarized bluntly. Thor found himself glaring at this comment, although he wasn't sure why.

"I'm sure this won't last forever." Steve interjected in a calming tone. "We'll talk to Fury again, figure something else out. There has to be another way to do this."

"Yeah. Short of moving to the damned prison." Tony snorted.

"Indeed, I highly doubt these glorified popped tarts are available in such a location." Thor contributed.

"They won't be available in _any _location if you keep going through them at this rate!" Pepper quipped, confiscating the box Thor had just picked up.

"That's all we need, Thor demolishing the nation's supply of PopTarts. With our luck, Fury would make us open and run a PopTart factory to make up for it." Tony speculated bitterly.

"Okay crabby, sounds like it's somebody's bedtime." Pepper informed him with a strikingly maternal demeanour. "Good God, it's 3:40 am!"

"I'm not _tiiireddd._" Tony contradicted in an exaggerated whine. "But in all seriousness, we're gonna need some more coffee in here, like _asap_."

###

Unbeknownst to the Avengers, Pepper switched the coffee maker to decaf so in no time at all, three sleepy superheroes slowly dropped like flies until the only audible noise was occasional beep, buzz, or hum from the various gadgets of the house. And Thor's sonorous snores. The S.H.I.E.L.D. technicians had long since completed their work and vacated the premises.

The scene in the living room was so pitifully endearing that Pepper just had to snap a photo: Tony was curled up on the couch, resembling a big grumpy baby. Steve had passed out sitting upright in a chair at an angle that probably wasn't doing his back any favours. Thor was stretched across the small loveseat which was shorter than he was; his face and feet were hanging off either end.

At 6:30 am, Tony awoke. The realization that he was on the couch, coupled with a mild feeling of sleep deprivation led to his first instinct being that he'd been partying last night. Still mostly-asleep, he began to tiptoe off into the direction of the kitchen for a snack. Until he tripped over Thor, who had apparently rolled onto the floor at some point during his slumber. There was a some very loud and violent speculation over _"who _dared_ to kick the Son of Odin?"_ until the god recognized his 'attacker' as his dear friend. Then he dropped Mjolnir, flashed his dazzling grin and wished Tony a good morning and a prosperous day.

It goes with out saying that Tony was now fully awake, and had remembered that last night had _not _been a party, it had been more like preparing for war because in about 5 and a half hours, the most volatile criminal in the world would be moving in _to his actual effing HOME. _As in drinking from his cups, using his bathroom, watching his TV, and eating his food. Oh lord, his poor _food… _He seriously hoped not all immortals consumed as much as Thor, because feeding two of him (plus a supersoldier) could potentially cause financial strain on even the most established billionaire. Not to mention that the mere thought of having another Thor generally _being _in the house was causing him some extreme discomfort.

By the time 11:50 am rolled around, the three-man army had each geared up as though preparing for the Armageddon. Tony was undeniably the most edgy of the three, he'd triple-checked that his suit functions (more specifically, his guns) were in perfect order and had drawn up an executive list of revised house rules, to be put into place immediately. Thor and Steve were considerably less flustered, likely because it wasn't _their _trillion-dollar beach house that was in transition to be a maximum security penitentiary. Although there was an alarming incident where Steve tried to step out through the fire escape for some fresh air… and forgot about the trip-wire. He was promptly scooped up in the net amidst the obnoxious sirens and flashing lights provided by the alarm system.

Tony and Pepper found him in the doorway, hanging upside-down and too shellshocked to blink. Pepper could not locate the release switch, and Tony deduced that the netting was not cut-able by the titanium blade built into the hand of his IronMan suit.

"Don't worry Steve, we'll get you down. _Probably_ before Fury gets here." Pepper soothed the inadvertently captured soldier whilst gently patting his forehead. Steve himself was currently incapable of speech, due to the way his face was mashed against the bottom of the net.

"Where the hell is Thor when you need him? And didn't S.H.I.E.L.D. leave a damn instruction manual along with their junk?" Tony lamented, sawing away at the thick, pliable fibreglass strands. They'd need some god-grade power for this one. "THOR, GET IN HERE."

However, the immortal in question was currently lounging in Tony's spacious upstairs bathroom. He'd just sampled every hair product he could find under the sink, and was now amusing himself with the hair dryer. Such fun he'd never known! Who would have thought the humans could confine the power of the wind into a handheld device? For a moment, he dared to hope that if Loki hadn't entirely lost his sense of humour, maybe he'd be willing to join his brother in the investigation of the inexplicably entertaining human customs… The god of thunder then lost that particular thought as he looked into the room across the hall and spied something that intrigued him greatly, which he had only seen used on several occasions. It was a small square-ish thing, roughly the size of Mjolnir. It was connected to the wall via a long white rope-thing, and emitted a high heat. Pepper would take various items of clothing and lay them on a perplexing collapsing table (not the same sort of table they ate meals on, mind you ), then run the device over them until they were satisfactorily flattened. It was beyond Thor why the humans took pains to ensure their clothes were flat before putting them on, but the device caught his attention nonetheless.

He casually set the hair dryer down (naturally he neglected to turn it off) and wandered across the hall to attend to the heated-garment-flattener. He was learned enough in matters of technology to know that almost everything came with an 'on' button. He located this immediately, but beyond that he was entirely stumped. No matter, it seemed the device was heating up quite nicely on its own. He then lifted one side of his cape and draped it over the table with some difficulty, as it was still attached to his shoulders. Finally, he picked up the heated-garment-flattener and set it down on the crimson fabric. And then he waited for something to happen. Surely it would indicate when it was finished. The washer of eating utensils, the box of microscopic waves, and the thing that made the bread vanish only to be replaced with toast, those all produced a birdlike sound to inform the user when they had completed their work. Surely this device would be no different… Pfffft, _technologically challenged_ indeed… he'd show Tony just how adaptable he really was!

Meanwhile, S.H.I.E.L.D.'s net-trap system was proving a far greater challenge than anyone could have anticipated. The damnable net was apparently indestructible, and Tony couldn't deploy his laser saw without slicing Steve in half. JARVIS was currently researching S.H.I.E.L.D. security, hoping to find something relevant to the situation at hand, but was having no such luck. Tony was livid that he, of all people, was stumped by a government-issue home security system. One so primal it involved a _net_, for eff's sakes.

"Well JARVIS, you can get started on a formal letter telling them where they can shove this-"

"Fury and his guys are coming up the driveway right now." Pepper noted, checking the security camera feed on her phone.

_"Mmmphbllllsssfff!"_ said Steve.

"I wouldn't want Fury to see me like that either." Tony replied. "But look on the bright side, buddy. Living proof that S.H.I.E.L.D. has completely screwed us over! Maybe you'll get compensation for this. Yeah, definitely demand compensation. You can borrow my lawyer and-"

"FRIEND STARK! LADY POTTS! I AM IN DIRE NEED OF ASSISTANCE! I FEAR I HAVE MADE A GRAVE ERROR IN JUDGEMENT!"

"Oh, _god_…" Pepper murmured

"Incoming." Tony commented in a mock warning tone.

Thor came careening around the corner as fast as his legs could carry him, wearing an expression of panic. The reason was quite apparent.

"Thor, your cape's on fire."

"I AM AWARE OF THAT, FRIEND STARK."

"Time to shine, DUM-E!" Tony hollered. Almost instantly, the glitchy fire-extinguisher-happy robot scooted out from the direction of the kitchen and locked on target. Unfortunately, Thor and DUM-E had never been acquainted, so the god mistook the appliance for an enemy and bolted in the other direction. Fearing the mental image of his entire house burning down, Tony tackled Thor football-style and held him down long enough for DUM-E to hit him with a good blast.

"WHAT IS THIS SUBSTANCE?" Thor wailed apathetically, spitting out a wad of fire-extinguisher-stuff. "It appears to be the frosted coating on the cakes-in-cups yet it tastes like the hard black surface on which you drive your mechanical horses! What IS this Midgardian trick - OH ODIN, HALF OF MY CAPE HAS BEEN TURNED TO ASH!"

"Um, _yeah_. Wanna enlighten us on that one? Also on how you know what asphalt tastes like?" Tony growled, releasing the god but remaining lying on the floor himself, feeling incredibly defeated.

"Thor, I swear to God, if you touched my new hair straightener…" Pepper began threateningly, advancing on him and holding her pen like a weapon. Before the guilty-looking god could fumble through an explanation, there was a shrill buzz that indicated an incoming visitor.

###

Nick Fury knew very well that Tony Stark was none too pleased with this arrangement, and quite frankly he didn't blame him. But eccentricities aside, Stark was a highly sophisticated man who had the emotional maturity and intellect to handle almost any situation that could be thrown at him. Rogers was a bit stunted in understanding of the world, but he had a huge heart, courage to boot, and the determination to thrive in the face of adversary. Thor was _severely _stunted in his understanding of the world, so much so that Rogers looked like Steve Jobs in comparison. But there was also his physical capability and never-say-die attitude. Yes, Fury was confident that the three of them together could overcome absolutely anything. He was feeling pretty darn good about this decision.

Then he walked through the door. There was a moment of stunned silence, then:

_"What the hell are you boys up to?"_

It looked like there'd been a war between a giant tub of Betty Crocker cake icing, and a flamethrower. There were scorch marks everywhere and clumps of white goop clung to every available surface. The IronMan suit (presumably containing Stark) was lying face-down in a pool of the goop. Several feet away, Thor was sitting down with his back against the wall, cradling a charred piece of red fabric and looking on the verge of tears. Ms. Potts was repeatedly bashing her forehead against her clipboard, cursing the Avengers. There was even one of Starks robot-things casually cruising around, making little chirps that sounded vaguely concerned. But where was the Captain? Oh, found him too. Hanging upside down.

_"Welcome to the Stark residence." _piped up JARVIS in a tone that Nick could have sworn was sarcasm.

Fury just stood in the doorway and took it all in. No one even seemed to notice he'd arrived. Shocked, horrified, and awestruck at the same time. His team of specialized S.W.A.T. guys slowly filed in behind him, escorting the subject- ahem, _Loki. _

Like a shadow, the god of mischief silently edged over to the shellshocked Fury and patted his broad shoulder good-naturedly as he too observed the disaster zone.

"What is it you were saying on our way over here?" the ebony-haired master of chaos inquired lightly. "Ah, I remember." He purposely deepened his voice in a perfect imitation of a confident Nicholas Fury: "'_Yeah. My boys got this._' They certainly do 'got this', Nick. They most certainly do."

* * *

Still with me?

Okay, a few more things before I head out.

1. The mention of Tony's favourite show "The Good Wife" and Thor's manner of speech were both inspired by **AvengersShouldntText** , the most amazingly delightful Tumblr blog I have ever had the fortune of stumbling across. If you love to laugh your guts out, look them up. You'll spend the happiest hour of your life reading the whole thing. PS, look me up while you're at it. Link to my blog on my profile, loves :)

2. If I BUTCHERED Fury and Tony's dialogue, I am truly sorry. I watched IronMan2 yesterday to to re-boot my memory of their speech habits, but I still dunno how well I handled it. Ah well, it'll come better and better as I keep writing the characters.

3. POV's will be swapping around a fair bit, because it's fun to see a situation from a few different sides.

4. I'm going to be consistently featuring Thor, Loki, Tony, and Steve as the centre characters, because I like writing them. Pepper will be hanging around a fair bit, as will Fury. I don't know about Jane and Darcy, because I just don't _care _about them. Happy, Rhodey, The Warriors Three, and Sif will all appear at sometime or another. Oh, I almost forgot the other Avengers. My bad... I'm sure they'll pop in eventually but I didn't want to feature them as main characters because I'm unfamiliar with writing the main 4 as it is, and I literally know NOTHING about the other three and I'm sure I'd do a shit job of writing them xD Although I plan to read up on their backstory a little more (and get around to watching the Hulk movie(s?).

5. It did occur to me that maybe I should put this story in the IronMan category since it's predominantly set in Tony's house, but I decided to keep it here because a lot of the storyline will focus on Thor and Loki's relationship. Ideally this should go in the Avengers category but as far as I know there's no such thing as of yet.

6. Oops, did I say storyline? This will probably be a collection of little adventures with no real plot. Well, maybe. It has to go _somewhere, _I suppose. I've gotten a lot of inspiration from my very favourite fics I've been reading on here, and there's lots of oh-my-god-they're-all-living-together stories, so I decided to put my own spin on it with the Loki-under-house-arrest concept xD

7. I'm not gonna be doing any major shipping here. I know Thor/Loki, Tony/Loki, Tony/Steve, and Steve/Thor are pretty popular but that just ain't my thing. But if it's your thing, you're welcome to read along and interpret the the bits of friendship fluff however you wish :)

8. I sincerely apologize if you are offended by any language I use, although this IS a T-rated story. I am personally not bothered by it (being a gifted pottymouth) and I mean, there's actual S-bombs dropped in the IronMan movies so I don't particularly feel like I'm violating the fandom or anything. But if you don't appreciate it, Tony will have JARVIS break into your computer and block out the offending words so you can read in peace. We just want everyone to be happy here.

9. I spent the entire Thor movie (first time watching) thinking they were saying "Handle" instead of "Heimdall". That's where that came from.

I think that's just about it! If you're _still _still with me, thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I hope you will continue to read and enjoy :) *super-Avenging-group-hug*.

Well, I'm off to wrestle the PopTarts away from Thor (again.) Please please review, make me a happy little girl :)

RXP


	3. Strictly Prohibited

Hellurr everyone :) sorry for the delay, this chapter fought me the whole way. Whoever said writing humour is easy, is a big fat dirty liar.

AH, hit 21 reviews in 2 chapters! *proud*. **Laura-Isabel, Wannabe Nightmare, TheNewWinterSoldier, chatnoir1, chaos, The Pearl Maiden, Keeper-of-the-Cheese, anonymous, mimi, Daryl,** **riddle-girl-lost** , also the great many folks who subbed and faved** ... **YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL :) THANK YOU!

I hope you're less disappointed by this chapter than I am. Like, it's not _awful _and I'm super-ridiculously-critical every time I start a new fic, but this was hard to write for some reason. Meh. Although I had an epiphany (kinda) halfway through and now I have a sliiiiiightly better idea of where I'm gonna take things.

I own nothing. Except the typos.

Here we go!

* * *

**strictly prohibited**

* * *

He hadn't moved.

After walking in and making himself comfortable on the biggest couch he could see, he simply. Didn't. Budge.

He just sat there, for _hours, _and watched the Avengers watch him, waiting on edge for any signal that might indicate malicious intent. Thor (disliking standing for long periods of time) soon sat down observe his brother at eye-level. Loki's expression was unreadable, but from the moment he stepped through the door, he had not exhibited any sort of expression that looked even remotely like recognition, let alone affection. The first time he made eye contact with Thor, the darker sibling's eyes narrowed suspiciously for a moment, but nothing beyond that. Thor felt a slight chill run down his spine, this was _it. _Whatever bond they'd previously shared was dead and gone.

_He really looks like he hates me. I think he hates me. _Thor realized. Ouch. There had been animosity between them for so long now, but he'd never _really _given up hope until he saw the coldness in his brother's eyes just now. Where there had once been friendship, love, and acceptance was now icy indifference as if they'd never been brothers at all. And that was not a good feeling _at all_, so Thor put on his war face, nibbled a PopTart, and tried to force himself not to care.

###

_I know he hates me. That face says it all. _Loki pondered as he leaned backwards into the luxuriously soft couch cushions. Thor had always been fiercely loyal, even as a child. Loki bitterly recalled the day his naively confident big brother cheerfully informed him they would be side-by-side for the rest of their days. _Brothers till the death, I promise._ Of course dear old Thor was as loyal as ever, only nowadays his loyalties had switched to his little band of superfriends. _Tell me, brother. Does that even _count_ as loyalty? Because in my opinion, switching sides entirely defeats the purpose, _surmised the icily eloquent and dominant side of Loki's mind. But deep in the darkest corner of his soul, an insignificant little childlike part he'd almost forgot he had, whispered _…but you promised. _

The trickster assumed an expression of indifference to mirror Thor's. _I don't have a damn to give about you. You're nothing to me. _All emotion banished from his body, he wordlessly did what he did best. He _lied._

###

"So he didn't come with instructions, like, at all?" Tony broke the silence in a whisper directed at Thor and Steve, who were piled onto the seat on either side of him. "I mean, what are we supposed to _do _with him? Snack time? Arts and crafts? Naps? Isn't that what babysitters do?"

"Stark. I can hear you." Loki commented patiently. "And snack time would be lovely, thank you."

"I was afraid of that." Tony muttered under his breath. "JARVIS, tell the kitchen staff we're gonna need a steak, a tub of Ben & Jerry's, a bag of nachos in that godawful orangey flavour, and about seven boxes of PopTarts in here."

"_Pardon?" _the new guest intoned with incredulity.

"That's what Thor has for a snack. I know how you gods like to eat people out of house and home." Tony shrugged testily. Loki stared back at him the way an exasperated preschool teacher looks down at a child who's been picking their nose.

"Oh dear, Anthony… Do I look like Thor to you? Mr. JARVIS sir, do tell the kitchen staff that I could really go for a plate of fresh Atlantic lobster with a side of garden salad. And some light balsamic vinegar dressing. On the side, if you don't mind."

"Trust me, you do not want salad." Thor interjected stiffly. "I feel obliged to warn you, 'salad' is merely the Midgardian term for a bowl of leaves. Very inedible."

"Gosh, really Thor? _Really?_ I had no idea." Loki rolled his eyes.

"I fool you not."

"Does anyone else wish to place a food order at this time?" JARVIS inquired in his polished British accent.

"Extra-large pizza, stuffed crust, double cheese, triple pepperoni, quadruple bacon..." Thor began eagerly. "Hmm… what am I missing?"

"Why don't you save time and complication, and simply request all the toppings? You wouldn't want to miss out on enjoying one of your favourite toppings because you forgot to mention it." Loki suggested lightly.

"What does that mean?" Thor rumbled suspiciously, searching his brother's face for signs of malice. He looked utterly sincere, but then again, he always did.

"It means you will be blessed with a bounty of meat enough to satisfy your wildest dreams." the smaller god replied innocently.

"I accept." Thor returned immediately. "Friend JARVIS, I require an extra large pizza… with _all the toppings._ Odin's Eye, that _was _considerably easier!"

"Your request has been sent to the kitchen. Expect your 'everything pizza' within twenty minutes." said JARVIS.

Steve ordered a good ol' All-American hot dog. Tony requested four shots of whiskey.

"Oh, none for me, thanks." Steve piped up.

"They're all for me." the billionaire glared.

"Tony! We've been through this!" Pepper protested. "Whiskey isn't supper. Sorry, JARVIS, he _meant_ to say he wants a steak, crispy fries, and chocolate milk. Hold the alcohol."

"Is that true, Sir?" JARVIS affirmed.

"I… Yeah. Go for it, Jarv. My mistake." For a moment, it looked suspiciously like Tony was hiding a smile.

###

20 minutes later, everyone had made their way to long bar-style table located in one of the several dining rooms. This particular room had a tropical theme. Tony generally reserved it for his more upbeat parties, but he'd been known to use it when he was in a crappy mood. And today was as crappy a day as any, so there they were.

"These strange circular thrones… Friend Stark, are you quite sure this is safe?" Thor inquired, cautiously hoisting himself up onto one of the bar stools standing by the table.

"Yeah, they're fine unless-"

"I… what… WHY IS IT SPINNING? STOP THIS! THE SON OF ODIN DEMANDS YOU CEASE SPINNING IMMEDIATELY!" Thor freaked, as he discovered the surprising intensity of spinning seats on the stools.

"- unless you do that." Tony finished flatly. "Cap, rescue the man."

Steve reached for Thor in an attempt to steady him, but one of the god's flailing fists unfortunately struck the soldier directly in the nose, and he shot backwards and landed unceremoniously on the floor. Thor spun faster and faster propelled by his frantically waving limbs, loudly begging for assistance.

"Oh, this won't end well." Tony noted apprehensively, maintaining a safe distance.

"Thor. Stop moving." Loki ordered boredly.

"HOW WILL THAT HELP ME DEFEAT THIS SWIRLING VORTEX OF DEATH?"

"_Because,_ the fact that you're flapping your arms and kicking your legs -aside from looking like you're having a seizure- is causing an increase in your momentum, which is causing you to spin faster and faster."

"OH MY ODIN, IS THIS A MIDGARDIAN VARIATION OF THE BIFROST? AM I TO BE TRANSPORTED TO ANOTHER REALM?"

"Thor,_ no. _Just. Hold. Still."

"THIS IS ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR TRICKS! YOU BEWITCHED THIS CIRCULAR THRONE AND NOW YOU'RE TRYING TO SEND ME TO TO MY DEATH IN JOTUNHEIM!"

"Wow. Just… _wow. _I don't even want to know how you came to that conclusion." Loki replied conversationally. "_You have to trust me. _Stop. MOVING!"

Thor obeyed. And the seat stopped spinning As in, just _stopped _as suddenly as if it had been nailed down. Thor however did not. Carried by that darn momentum, he promptly fell off. Steve and Tony applauded.

"What… just… happened… ?" Thor groaned apathetically, staring up at his brother.

"I _did _tell you to _slowly _stop moving, didn't I? I didn't? I'm so sorry. Sorry you didn't know that suddenly locking your arms like that would cause you to immediately fly off balance and kiss the floor. You just learned your first physics lesson. Congratulations." Loki informed him seriously. Thor opened and closed his mouth like a dying fish, trying to figure it out.

"Pizza's ready, pal." Tony added sympathetically. Surely food (large food at that) would distract the god from the trauma and humiliation he'd just suffered. Household appliances did _not _treat him well. Thor got up, ran out of the room, and came back a minute later - carrying one of Tony's sturdiest armchairs.

"I see you're not taking any chances." Steve observed as he rubbed his sore nose (which miraculously didn't seem to be fractured).

"The circular spinning-seated long-legged thrones are _not _to be trusted." Thor huffed, setting his chair as far away from his brother as possible whilst shooting him undisguised looks of distrust. Loki rolled his emerald eyes and began neatly nibbling away at his salad.

"There ya go, buddy." said Tony, sliding the pizza box (sporting the Stark Industries logo) down the table in Thor's direction.

"Ah, thank the AllFather!" Thor gasped dramatically, flipping the box open. Then his comrades watched as his face instantly morphed from triumph to confusion to shock to horror.

"Problem?" Loki asked innocently. The larger (and blonder) of the two brothers affixed him with a murderous death stare, then snarled a battlecry so loud and violent it set off the security system. Thor went lurching across the table holding Mjolnir aloft, but Loki ducked beneath aforementioned table at the last possible second, and Thor fell to the ground amidst a clatter of stools. Damn those stools.

"Oh. I see the problem." Tony remarked, glancing at the pizza. Along with Thor's requested double cheese/quadruple-every-kind-of-meat-known-to-man… was a conglomeration of anchovies, green peppers, mushrooms, avocado, calamari, and pineapple slices. All together, these formed the most atrocious-looking pizza anyone had ever seen. Clearly nothing like whatever Thor had been anticipating.

"What _is _this?" Steve pondered, picking up a slice and examining it.

"I believe that is the 'everything pizza'… just like Thor ordered." Loki smirked, popping up from beneath the table, right between Steve and Tony.

"You _knew_." Thor whimpered, staring at his brother with a deeply wounded expression. "You knew my pizza would be defiled with…with… _I don't even know substance this is!" _ He picked up an anchovy and held it at arm's length, trying to puzzle out what it was.

"Is it _my _fault you do not know the definition of '_everything pizza' _?" Loki replied balefully.

"But… I… you… _aaaarrrrggghhh!_" Thor moaned, still in shock. "…there are _vegetables _on my _food_!"

"And octopusses." Tony added.

"Octo_pi_." Loki corrected.

Tony spared him a glare and continued dissecting the offensive pizza. "And I'm pretty sure that looks like raw fish. God knows what any of this was doing in my kitchen."

"ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?" Thor demanded.

"Far from it!" Loki replied, looking highly affronted. "Your diet could greatly benefit from the addition of - _don't you walk away when I'm trying to help you!_"

Thor promptly exited the room at a high speed, looking remarkably sulky. An awkward silence was left in his wake.

"Was it something I said?" Loki wondered, wearing a mask of earnest sincerity.

"Uhm… it's become clear to me that Thor has a pretty good idea of what he thinks his diet should and shouldn't consist of." Steve explained politely.

"If _Pepper _couldn't convince him to eat vegetables, trust me - it's impossible." Tony contributed. "And I can't guarantee your safety if you continue to try."

For some reason, the god of mischief seemed to find inordinate humour in this statement. When he finally ceased giggling, he proceeded to carefully pick the calamari off of Thor's abandoned pizza - and happily chowed down.

Tony and Steve decided they'd best track Thor down before he did anything drastic, like causing an internationally devastating thunderstorm or raiding the PopTart factory. With a bit of help from the security camera system, they located him in a basement storage room, sitting on a freezer and scooping Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough ice cream into his mouth, straight out of the tub.

"Hey buddy!" Tony cautiously addressed the immortal in a tone a babysitter might use with a child on the brink of a temper tantrum.

"Gweetings, fwiend Shtark." a very dejected-looking Thor slurred through a monstrous mouthful of chocolate chips.

"Tony, is he drunk?" Steve inquired in an undertone.

"No, but that much ice cream can be way more dangerous. I know from experience… wait, never mind. In my case, it was soaked in tequila-" (Steve's expression got stuck halfway between awe and revulsion at this point) " -and I don't think Thor's mastered the art of advanced mixing yet. But still, we should probably make sure he doesn't finish that whole thing."

While Steve tried to puzzle out why on earth someone would partner ice cream with tequila, Tony cautiously approached Thor and daringly endeavoured to pry the container out of his hands. Luckily for Tony's health and safety, Thor wasn't in a violent mood and begrudgingly handed over the ice cream.

"So… how ya doin, big guy?" Tony continued in the same patronizing tone. Thor grumbled indecipherably in response.

"Listen, Thor. Loki sent us in to tell you how _awfully _sorry he is for ruining your day twice in five minutes, and-"

"You are not skilled in the art of lying, Friend Stark. My brother made no such apology and has no intention of doing so."

"Fine. So what if he's laughing his ass off and eating the free extra-large pizza he just sniped off you while you're reduced to shovelling ice cream after losing to a bar stool?" Tony consoled, sitting down beside his friend and taking a scoop of ice cream for himself. "_He's_ the one who's technically in jail right now, while _we _are international heroes, gentlemen. Remember that."

"Hear, hear." Steve grinned, also taking a seat and a spoon to serve himself some Ben & Jerry's.

"Mmhm." Thor agreed halfheartedly, although not looking terribly convinced.

The trio sat quietly on the freezer for several minutes, chomping ice cream in peace.

Eventually, the Cap applied a little bit of actual brainpower to the situation.

"Okay. Correct me if I'm wrong, guys, but _Loki's _supposed to be the one under house arrest, right?"

"Uh, _yeah. _I think we just established that. Only I'm pretty sure it's not technically house arrest, seeing as it's MY house." Tony affirmed.

"Right. So why are _we _the ones huddled in the basement?"

"…"

"Fury will _pay _for this."

###

"Not that I care, but what do you think?" Tony inquired fake-pleasantly as Loki scoped out his new room. It was one of the spare bedrooms, strategically located between Steve's and Thor's. It was larger than the average guest room (as was everything in the Stark mansion), and featured a fireplace, a mini fridge, a private bathroom suite, and an ocean view.

"Passable." the god replied after several moments of thoughtful silence. _Not like I'll be here for much longer._

"See that? It is a cold-food-containing-box which Midgardians use to contain food which is to be eaten cold, and to preserve the longevity of meat products. That one is _yours. _Therefore, DO. NOT. TOUCH. MINE." Thor rumbled possessively, having not yet forgiven his brother's most recent crimes against him.

"I have no desire to rob your refrigerator of its beef jerky supply, Thor." Loki replied wholeheartedly, cautiously sitting down on his new bed. Its colour scheme was a flashy crimson red, his absolute _least _preferred shade. He'd need sunglasses just to get to sleep, _ugh. _He resolved to magically change the colour when no one was looking. _Double-ugh, _was that seriously a _SpiderMan _pillow case? He decided he could not exit this facility fast enough.

"So, is the three of you lurking around me going to be a _permanent _arrangement?" the trickster snarked peevishly at Tony, Steve, and Thor who were hanging out awkwardly in the doorway, as though waiting for Loki to attack. _At least they'd taken off their costumes. _

"Not as long as you behave." the one known as 'Cap' answered.

"If you could be so kind as to enlighten me on what consists of 'behaving' I would be more than pleased to do so." Loki drawled in return.

"Here. House rules. 10 commandments." Tony added, handing Loki his list. _"_Follow these, and we can co-exist without anyone getting hurt. _Except maybe Fury."_ he added in a rueful undertone. Loki unrolled the list and proceeded to thoughtfully inspect it.

_**Stark Residence House Rules: A 10-step Guideline**_

_**1) JARVIS**_

_JARVIS is my masterpiece. JARVIS is all around you. JARVIS sees everything. JARVIS is more intelligent than most of the humans I know. JARVIS requires utter respect at all times. Improper use/abuse of JARVIS is strictly prohibited and will result in the forcible removal of all life from your body. _

_**2) FOOD**_

_You are legally authorized to eat as much as you need to remain in a healthy state. Because starving of prisoners constitutes mistreatment, and I hate filling out U.N. paperwork. However, do refrain from use of the oven or other high-heat-emitting devices without Midgardian supervision. Please note hoarding/re-selling of food is strictly prohibited and will result in the forcible removal of life from your body._

_**Last-minute edit: Don't screw with Thor's food, man. Just don't. Seriously. Not fun for anyone. **_

_**3) PROPER ATTIRE**_

_Regardless of whatever you viral Youtube videos featuring myself you may have seen, clothing is NOT optional in this facility. Nudity outside of your private living quarters is strictly prohibited and will result in the forcible removal of life from your body, __**after **__you put on pants._

_**4) TELEVISION **_

_Television is a privilege, not a right. Just because I can afford unlimited pay-per-view movies, does not necessarily mean I WANT to. View responsibly, and don't fuck up my satellite. Losing my remotes, making my flat screens explode, and watching _My Little Pony_ are ALL strictly prohibited and will result in the forcible removal of life from your body._

_**5) TRANSPORTATION**_

_Happy is strictly prohibited from giving you rides anywhere. So don't ask. Additionally, touching any of my vehicles will result in the forcible removal of life from your body. You're on house arrest, bro. You're not going anywhere. I apologize for the inconvenience. But not really._

_**6) PETS**_

_Strictly prohibited. Violation will result in the forcible removal of life from your body._

_**Last-minute edit: THOR, STEVEN - THIS APPLIES TO YOU TOO. (Thor don't you dare give me that look.)**_

_**7) INTERNET**_

_Any and all of your internet exploits will be monitored via JARVIS. If suspicious activity is reported, your privileges will be revoked. Please note that attempting to hack or otherwise re-program JARVIS or any other computer-controlled function of this house is strictly prohibited and will result in the forcible removal of life from your body._

_**8) PROPERTY**_

_If it's labelled 'Property of Stark Industries' , you'd do better not to touch it. Screwing up my work stuff is strictly prohibited and will result in the forcible removal of life from your body. If my experimental work doesn't kill you first. Needless to say, my private jet is not available for 'field trips' under any circumstances. _

_**9) FACILITY**_

_There are rooms in my house that are off limits under ALL circumstances. JARVIS controls the access to and from these zones, respect it. Damage to doors and walls (explosion or otherwise) is strictly prohibited and will result in the forcible removal of life from your body. Also, please no running with sharp objects. That's a liability issue and I really do hate paperwork._

_**10) POWERS**_

_Forget you ever had 'em. Causing fires with your mind, bringing inanimate objects to life, turning humans into animals (refer to Rule #6), and altering your own form for deceitful purposes are all strictly prohibited and will result in the forcible removal of life from your body._

Loki browsed the list for several minutes, smirking occasionally. Which Tony found deeply unsettling. Finally, the dark-haired immortal looked up.

"Well then. May I _breathe _without you forcibly removing the life from my body?"

"Breathing is acceptable." Tony confirmed. "As long as you don't waste my oxygen."

"What a relief." Loki rolled his luminous eyes sarcastically. "Could you define what constitutes as _waste?_"

Tony assumed a remarkably serious expression and opened his mouth, presumably to launch into a tirade featuring the _exact _description of the definition of wasting oxygen. Fortunately for everyone involved, Pepper intervened:

"_Really_ Tony, nobody wants to listen to you talk for 3 hours. I'm sure Mr. Laufeyson can figure out how to properly use his designated oxygen supply."

"Dear, you can call me Loki." the master of chaos replied amicably.

Tony turned the same shade of red as his IronMan armour, and probably would have forcibly removed the life from Loki's body right then and there had Thor and Steve not grabbed him firmly by the arms and escorted him off to bed.

"There's a toothbrush for you in the bathroom. Have a pleasant sleep." Pepper informed Loki before gently shutting the heavy door and following her wayward trio of superboys, leaving the trickster alone in the dark.

* * *

1. The pizza disaster, spinning bar stool of death, and the sitting-in-basement-eating-comfort-ice-cream incident were inspired (loosely) by real-life events.

2. '...s_trictly prohibited and will result in the forcible removal of life from your body.' _was way less funny after writing it 10 times in a row. But I did have fun with that list. **PS, refer to it for possible foreshadowing** ;)

3. I feel so lost on how to write Thor and Loki's relationship and resulting dialogue/interactions. It's so hard writing post-movie-that-hasn't-been-released-yet! I'm kinda just bumbling my way through it, but I promise it won't stay like it is now. This is supposed to be light'n'fluffy after all :)

4. Again, yes folks. There will be OOC by the buttload. However I will do my best to keep out of the realm of crackyness.

5. Bigbig fankss yewww to anyone who followed my Loki tumblr :) I just realized the so-called links on my profile don't actually work. Until I get around to fixing that, look me up - I'm **lokisqueenroxy** on there. I need more Tumblbuddies. Pop by and say hi!

6. Unlike with this chapter, I have a good idea of what's going down in the next one so I should be starting it quite soon. I have a couple things to decide though. Does anyone else think it would be too early for a brief bit of angst and a smudge of hurt/comfort? I feel like it's early, but at the same time it makes sense for this part. Gaahwd I dunno. Seriously please, constructive advice would be most welcome.

That would be all, folksies. I love you very muchly! Please continue to review, and if you haven't yet - what the eff are you WAITING for? :) Go on, make my day.

Until we meet again (hopefully on Tumblr because that is one fun place, I tell ya what. Find me!)

RXP


	4. Stolen Lonely Relic

Oh my Norse gods... so sorry about the wait! I played around with this in my head foreverrrr before I wrote a single thing down. I started last weekend, wrote VERY sporadically, and finished this morning at school. I would have posted immediately but then the wifi decided to hate on my laptop. But hey, 2:30 am works just as well. Basically my eyeballs feel like they're on fire after I just drove about 2 hours in a blizzard. (fuck Canada, eh.) For this chapter, you can thank my beastly snow tires. I dedicate it to them and shall name it, Chapter Tires. Anyway. My head feels like it's moshing with Mjolnir, so I really don't have a whole lot of anything to say right now. Except for:

This chapter simply isn't LOLFUNNY like the others. It's not supposed to be. But I know you're here for the comedy, so don't worry. It'll be 99.9% giggles from here on out. This is just a crucial part I have to get out of the way before moving on with the rest. Get it? Got it? No? Too bad.

I apologize in advance for the language if anyone happens to find it harsh. I am imperfect.

To everyone who's been reviewing me. I LOVE YOU. SO MUCH. 30 reviews on 3 chapters, I'm amazed and bamboozled. SOMUCHLOVE. Keep it coming *hugs*.

Now, for your enjoyment, I give you some delightful... Loki Angst. And if I completely butchered his character, I apologize. I won't always go this in-depth with his thoughts, but this is kind of a turning point... yeah.

JUSTREADIT, ILOVEYOU!

* * *

**stolen, lonely relic**

* * *

The nice thing (or, the irritating thing in Loki's case) about the Stark mansion was that the rooms -the guest rooms, anyway- were designed and built to be completely soundproof. Most presumably a comfort feature, Loki figured. Or _privacy_, might be a more appropriate term for all the _inappropriate_ things that had most likely taken place within these walls. And on these beds. As in the one Loki was sitting on.

_Joy._

But let's be serious here. Loki had no plans to stick around. The 4 days he'd spent in that laughable excuse for a high-secury penitentiary had been his holiday. He could have broken out the very second he'd developed the inclination. But teasing the guards had been ever so fun, he'd stuck it out for a couple days. And _damn_, were they ever easy to manipulate. Naturally they'd passed him over to the very people who wanted him the least. And he'd done his job before he'd even walked through the front door - just _look_ at the chaos they'd caused themselves just in anticipation of his arrival! It was so pathetically easy, causing them any more grief would quite frankly be a waste of precious talent. Not to mention these blankets were the most ghastly colour known to man. The exact shade of Thor's cape, brightness amplified by about 1000 percent. Ick.

Yeah, Loki _out_.

That's where the soundproof walls were causing some annoyance. (Despite his impeccably perceptive ears, honed from centuries of eavesdropping.) He had no way of knowing whether or not everyone else had retreated off to bed, leaving him free to escape. He had to guess. He hated guessing.

The god sat in the darkness, calmly watching the digital clock as the lime green digits ticked away the minutes till 2:00 am, the time he'd silently decided would be his departure. Where he'd go from here, he was uncertain. Maybe the other side of the universe, that should be far enough from Thor and his posse of super-righteous do-gooders who all regarded him as less than dirt. Like he hadn't had enough of that in his childhood in Asgard. The Avengers were an earthly version of the Warriors Three, it was really that simple. Thor was undeniably a magnet for fellow warmongering jocks, no matter what realm he was in.

Loki could officially cross Earth off his list of _places to potentially call home_. Right under the first two X's: Asgard and Jotunheim. Well, the universe was a pretty big place. There had to be _somewhere_ where nobody hated him.

2:00. _Go time._ Now, he wasn't stupid. _Far from it, as you well know._ They had the place rigged with every security device known to man. They were invisible for now, but once he located them, he'd break them like he broke the prison. It was only a matter of time. _You can't contain the Trickster. But kudos for trying._

He slowly stood up and strode noiselessly over to the door. First glance revealed it to be… just a door. It didn't appear to be rigged in any way, but he braced himself for an alarm or an electric shock or a bucket of water dumped on his head, or some other dumb humanly thing. Gods forbid he end up like the adorably naive star-spangled blond man, hanging upside down in a net like an animal. (Had Fury not pointed out the emergency switch, he'd still be up there.) Anyway, back to his mission. He cautiously extended his hand and set it on the elegant door handle. The security system did not resist. Cool. He shifted the handle a millimetre downwards…

_"You are not authorized to exit this area." _JARVIS suddenly spoke up, quite loudly. Loki would like to say he _didn't _yelp and jump a foot into the air, but that would be a flat-out lie.

"Ex_cuse_ me?" he replied indignantly, once he regained his dignity.

"You are excused. Have a pleasant evening." JARVIS returned politely.

Not to be deterred, Loki attempted to turn the handle again. The door was firmly locked. Loki cursed violently.

"I _told_ you." JARVIS commented rather boredly.

"_Silence!_" the silver tongue snapped in a rare display of frustration.

"Only Mr. Stark has access to my mute button." JARVIS informed him. _The smart-ass. _

Loki didn't care to answer. He was busily weighing his options, of which there were many. He'd never met a lock which he couldn't convince to open with a good shot of trademark trickster magic... hmm, that was odd. He couldn't detect any sort of mechanism. This must be one of those Midgardian electric contraptions. Technologically inclined as he was (compared to Thor, anyway) his power didn't react well with electricity. Hmph, no matter. He wasn't out of options yet. (Although he was momentarily tempted to pull a Thor, so to speak, and abandon himself to yelling furiously, violently cranking the unyielding handle, and quite possibly kicking down the door. Such an attack was _much_ farther down his list of sensible solutions to imprisonment.)

The only question now was what what sort of insect to transform into. The tiny crack between the bottom of the door and the smooth hardwood floor had just enough space for a little something to slip through...something like one of those little picnic-ruiners which Thor so detested (hmm, how _appropriate._). An ant would do nicely.

Loki closed his eyes and gently summoned his powers, preparing to downshift until he was at eye-level with the dust bunnies.

_Odd._

His silent command to his body went seemingly unheard. He didn't feel any trace of the tingling rush that rushed through his bones when he shapeshifted. Didn't feel his flesh and muscles twisting, melting, and reforming. And when he opened his luminous emerald eyes, all they saw was the same wide, unfriendly room staring back at him. In the same proportions.

Like the logical, sensible deity he was, he calmly dismissed the instinctual flash of panic that jolted him. His powers weren't _gone_, because that would be nothing short of _absurd_. They had been in fine working order that morning. (He had the contents of the prison vending machine to prove it - a parting gift to himself.) No. Weak as they were, they were certainly not gone. Shame on him for even jumping to such a conclusion. _Focus, Loki._

He directed his energy back towards the door handle. Screw sensibility, his fuse had officially run out. He was going to take a page out of Thor's book and just blast the damned thing apart. This was no time to be his usual tidy self. He steeled himself with the utmost concentration, and... nothing. Not even a spark. He could swear the handle was _laughing _at him.

Gripped by foreboding, he wheeled around to face the window behind his bed. With as much restraint as inhumanly possible, he calmly attempted to vanish the glass. For one wildly hopeful moment, he thought he'd succeeded. But when he extended a pale hand, he realized with dismay that the glass was still very much impassible.

_"What's happening to me?"_ he voiced in a shivery whisper, audible only to himself. (JARVIS apparently had the good sense to mind his own business.)

The fact that his voice was shaking was more than a little disconcerting. He was a god, a _god._ His ever-repressed temper flared; this wasn't happening. And he was going to prove it by _blasting the ever-loving shit out of this entire room_, then walking straight outta here. Maybe that was more Thor's style than his own, but even the Master of Chaos has to run out of patience.

_Ready, aim, fire._

And..

Nothing.

_Nothingnothingnothing - no - nonono -what's happening - what happened to me - what have they done to me - I can't - why - WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?_

He couldn't hold the panic back, it broke the barriers of his inner sanctuary like a flood obliterating a dam. His power was gone. His strength, his protection, his _identity_ - gone. Taken. _Stolen._ But _how_?

It couldn't have been S.H.I.E.L.D. They couldn't stop him before; they had no effect on him now. Thor! It had to be Thor. _It was always Thor._ Only a god can control a god. But... for all his strength, Thor couldn't just_ take_ Loki's power away. He was mighty, yes. But he wasn't _almighty_.

_Father._

It could only be Odin. He should have known, should have suspected Thor would involve father somehow. He'd always had a tendency to go running off to daddy when faced with a task he couldn't quite wrap his head (or hammer) around. Rather intelligent of him, Loki supposed begrudgingly. Clearly he had the presence of mind to realize that all the superheroes in the world couldn't keep the trickster contained in one place, on Midgard no less. So he'd called in the cavalry. And Odin was surely all too delighted to heap down that much extra punishment onto his _stolen relic_.

After minutes of staring bleakly at the moon and trying to collect his very rampant thoughts, Loki slowly sunk back down onto the bed (_the_ bed, not _his_ bed.) and pressed his palms against his forehead. He'd never been physically powerful in the manner that Thor was, but he'd been gifted in his own right. He'd never known true weakness. There was no clever trick or cunning deceit to get him out of this. For the first time in his life, he was truly defeated.

Then something utterly strange occurred to him; was this how Thor had felt upon his banishment? Like his very skin had been peeled away and his every vulnerability was exposed for the cold cruel world to strip away at will? Had his brother felt so terribly betrayed? So… _alone_?

Trapped in his own thoughts as much as in this unwelcoming room, Loki curled into a fetal position on his side and stared out the window at the resplendent reflection of the moon on the vast expanse of ocean, until the tauntingly warm dawn light melted silver into red.

* * *

Don't hate on the shortness. Next chapter should come much easier. Suggestions are welcome. PM me anytime. My tumblr is also open for business, come find me. URL on profile. I have a Facebook page too. And a Twitter. Come at me!

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See you soon :)

RXP


	5. Chinese McTaco

Holy balls, I am SO sorry for the wait. There was a point last Sunday afternoon where I tried SO hard to finish and update it, but I literally fell asleep in the middle of a sentence from sleep deprivation xD This chapter took me forever. It wasn't particularly hard to write, but I had SO much I wanted to put into it, and I didn't know how it was all going to play out and stuff, it just really took its' time. And it didn't help that I lost my ambition halfway through D: but here it is at last, currently the second-longest so far... which isn't saying much, but I hope you manage to enjoy it nonetheless :)

Everything is property of Marvel. I only own the craziness.

Language warnings in this one. You'll get over it, I promise.

* * *

**Chinese McTaco**

* * *

Contrary to popular belief, Tony Stark does _not _run on batteries. True, his Arc Reactor keeps him in a state of living, but what do you think keeps _that_ running?

Unless you guessed _caffeine, _you are sadly mistaken.

Today, more than ever, a quadruple-espresso-shot was necessary to keep him functioning at a passable level since he'd gotten absolute _zero _sleep last night, fearing that his house would spontaneously combust at any given second. And naturally, staying home to catch up on his beauty sleep was not an option today. His schedule was fraught with board meetings, press conferences, and everything in between - each of the non-re-schedulable nature, even for the likes of Tony Stark. _Ugh. _Combine that with the stressful knowledge that there was a trio of highly powerful beings unsupervised in his trillion-dollar mansion… he'd be surprised is he didn't have himself a coronary by the end of the day. Thor and Steve were both well-intentioned of course, and more than a match for Loki, but they weren't exactly _wise _to the ways of the 21st century.

Take right now for example.

The loud and sudden emergence of a strawberry PopTart from the toaster sent Thor into a state of panic during which he shrieked horribly, stumbled backwards into the granite island in the middle of the kitchen and then fell down in a tangle of stools. (Stools, as you can see, are _not _Thor's friend.)

"Thor, we've been _over this, and over this, and over this." _Pepper chided in exasperation. "That happens _every time _you make PopTarts. That's why they're called _PopTarts._ They _POP. _There's nothing to be afraid of."

"I am not _afraid._" Thor grumbled abashedly, slowly standing up. "Even the most fearless warrior can be _startled_ by his prey."

"Yeah well. When the prey gets the better of you 8 times in a row, we start to worry." Steve contributed kindly, passing Thor his PopTart on a little plate.

"I assure you, the bread-roasting-box is possessed by demonic spirits." Thor insisted. "Consider this, Friend Rogers. When it takes a slice of bread into its inner chambers, and provides us with toast in exchange, where does the bread go?"

"We've established this. Toast IS bread." Pepper sighed, returning the stools to their upright position and then taking a seat beside Tony, who was tinkering with one of his computer screens.

"Hmmph, _toast is bread_. And I am the goddess of fertility." Thor snorted inelegantly.

"Why couldn't it be _you_ guys assigned to live in my house and screw with my shit? I mean, at the very least you understand _toast_." Tony whined mock-dramatically to his screen on which was running Skype window. Clint Barton, Bruce Banner, and Natasha Romanoff were grinning at him from within the screen.

"Because we're not legally classified as _homeless, _unlike some." Nat snickered.

"So my house is hobo central. Great." Tony quipped. "Like S.H.I.E.L.D. can't afford to relocate them somewhere else."

"Like _you_ can't afford to relocate them somewhere else." Clint chirped.

"Who's getting relocated?" Steve demanded out of nowhere, appearing beside Tony.

"What is this?" Thor joined in loudly. "The Man of Fur has given us no such permissions to change our location."

"Tony's deporting you to Madagascar. Get packing." Nat informed Thor seriously.

"_What?_" Steve gasped, looking positively heartbroken. "You're actually deporting us? What about the mission?*

"The moving picture known as _Madagascar_ was most entertaining, but I do not wish to make a home there. Talking animals are the product of dark sorcery." Thor crossed his arms stubbornly.

"Next time one of you makes a mean joke, it'll be you coming over here to wipe their tears." Tony snarked at Nat, Clint, and Bruce who were giggling hopelessly at Thor and Steve's dejected expressions. "Keep it together, guys. I'm not deporting you… yet. But Thor, man, your toaster privileges will be revoked if you keep this up. You're upsetting JARVIS."

"So... We get to remain in the House of Stark?" Thor replied with a hopeful grin.

"That is what I said." Tony returned with an attempt at a friendly smile that looked more like a grimace.

"I _almost_ fell for that one." Steve mumbled reproachfully.

"Sorry." Bruce spoke up.

"Yeah, sorry you're pathetically gullible." Nat rolled her eyes.

Just then, Thor noticed his fellow Avengers in the screen and just about lost his mind in shock.

"How have you become trapped within the strange glowing screen? Fear not, I shall free you immediately!" the god vowed fiercely, reaching for Mjolnir.

"NO!" the other 5 Avengers plus Pepper bellowed in unison.

"Thor, we've explained Skype, several times. Remember using it to talk to Fury's correspondants back at HQ last month?" Clint reminded him gently.

"We never met those people in actual life! I assumed they lived within the glowing screens." Thor responded disconcertedly.

"I promise, we're not actually _in_ the screen. We're safe and sound at HQ." Nat added.

Thor blinked several times, then commented,

"My head, it pounds in a most painful manner."

"He's been having a rough day. The toaster attacked him again." Pepper empathized sarcastically.

"How are things at HQ?" Steve asked politely. Truthfully, he was equally disturbed that his friends were appearing inside the screen, but unlike Thor he simply went along with it. Not much surprised him these days.

"Oh, you know. Same old." Bruce shrugged.

"Coulson received his shipment of uncut extended SuperNanny DVDs last week and we haven't seen him since." Nat added.

Clint contributed a mischievous giggle. "Yeah, I swear he secretly wants to - OH MY GOD WAS THAT LOKI? GUYS, LOKI'S IN YOUR HOUSE! DON'T PANIC. HANG ON, WE'LL SEND BACKUP! AVENGERS ASSEMBLE! GO GO GO GO!"

Having just walked across the frame, Loki boredly flipped his middle finger in the direction of the webcam as he stalked over to the fridge.

"LOKI'S WHERE?" Thor yelped in panic, then remembered. "Oh…"

"Um, _yeah_. Guess jolly ol' Saint Nick hasn't briefed you on our newest little mission. Well, you're looking at the new face of maximum security." Tony grunted distastefully.

"_Pardon?_" Natasha inquired flatly.

"Guess who got fired from prison." said Steve.

"They were all incompetent. One would think specially trained guards with six-figure salaries accustomed to serial killers, grand theft masters, and infant murderers would be more than up for a little bit of harmless _fun_. " Loki spat, walking back across the frame, this time holding a bowl of cereal and a glass of orange juice.

"So that's what I'm dealing with." Tony concluded with his trademark casual manner. "Fury literally dumped him on our doorstep last night."

"I walked in on my own power, thank you very much. There was no _dumping _involved. Mr. Stark, I strongly recommend you study up on proper usage of the term _literally_. You mortals abuse it shamelessly." Loki chipped in icily as he sat down at the head of the table.

"Woah, woah, WOAH. Let me get this straight. The god of mischief is living in your house? Your actual house?" Clint demanded in shock and slight awe.

"Like, eating your food, drinking from your cups, sitting on your couch, using your bathroom, _living in your house?_" Bruce added.

"It gets worse. He turned my house into a testing facility for every inch of S.H.I.E.L.D. home security technology ever invented. Poor JARVIS had a nervous breakdown and you know how stoic he is. Fury's punishing me for something. There can't be any other reason." Tony muttered pensively, scraping his palm across his face tiredly. _Eff's sakes,_ the poor man just wanted to _sleep. _

"Maybe he's _rewarding _you." Loki commented cryptically, munching his cereal.

"Although that would make all kinds of sense seeing as the man basically owes me his life as well as the rest of the world's, I fail to see how I have been rewarded in any way shape or form." the Man of Iron shot back. "I should be - wait a second here." He swung around on his stool so that he was facing the kitchen table. He willed his blood pressure not to rise, although he wasn't sure it heeded him. In a tone of false calmness, he forced out: "You sir, are in my spot."

"I am." Loki replied. It was unclear whether this was a comment or a question.

"You are."

"I see."

"Are you going to get out of my spot?"

"Any particular reason why I should do so?"

"Well, let's see here… Not like you need a reason seeing as you're a felon and it's my house and all, but maybe 'cause it's _my spot_."

"You are already seated at that oddly placed countertop. You have no need for this chair."

"Irrelevant. It's my spot. Get out of it."

"I am comfortable."

"I don't care if you're _super-glued _to the chair, I order you to vacate it immediately!"

"Mr. Stark, I have a proposition for you: _no._"

_"PEPPER, MAKE HIM GET OUT OF MY SPOT!" _At this point it would be safe to say that Tony slightly lost it.

"Is this for real?" Nat inquired with abject pity as the other Avengers listened to the argument as though it was an mildly entertaining TV show.

"I hope not." Steve sighed placidly, sipping on his chocolate milk.

"Tony, isn't it time for you to go to work?" Pepper scolded maternally.

"I'm not going anywhere till he's out of my spot!" the genius-billionaire-playboy-philanthropist argued furiously. Pepper sighed. Was she eternally doomed to be the babysitter? Sure looked like it from here. She got up and walked over to the table, where she then took a seat diagonally from Loki and affixed him with her patented mediator stare, perfected from years of keeping Tony in line.

"Now Loki, I really think everyone would be a lot happier if you switched spots. I know you really like this chair, but I _promise_ the other ones are just as comfortable."

"I have no doubt they are, I simply prefer where this one is placed." the trickster answered patiently.

"Mmhm, the head of the table is a nice spot. That's why Tony likes it so much. But think about it, do you _really_ want to _share _something that _Tony_ thinks is good? Because you know what that would mean?"

"Continue, mortal." Loki insisted after a pause.

"That you two have something in common." Pepper concluded earnestly, glancing casually up at the green-eyed immortal.

The god of mischief evacuated the chair so fast it may well have been on fire. He snatched up his breakfast and retreated to the opposite end of the table where he sat with a remarkably irascible expression. And that was that.

"Okay Tony, I can personally guarantee he won't touch your spot ever again. Now get moving, you're already late. You know how the board hates waiting for you."

"Really, well they're _incredibly _good at it." Tony smirked, whipping a necktie out of his pocket and fastening it around his collar.

"Most likely because they are incredibly _used _to it." JARVIS spoke up suddenly, (causing Thor to flinch and look around suspiciously for the source of the voice, as he always did when JARVIS spoke.) "Sir, I would additionally like to inform you that your ride is ready and waiting for you in the front driveway."

"Great, remind Happy we'll be making our usual Monday morning stop at Dunkin'. I will be taking my caffeine supply intravenously today." Tony replied, pulling a wrinkled tie out of his back pocket and donning it in a manner that was as half-assed as he could possibly muster.

"I already did, Sir. Mr. Hogan has refused, stating you're late enough as it is and he already has a coffee waiting for you. Also, Dunkin' Donuts does not yet offer a caffeinated I.V. treatment. I checked."

"Sarcasm, Jarv. Damn. I hate car coffee. You'd think stuff coming from an automatic espresso machine built into the back of my Audi limo would taste better than wet dirt, wouldn't you? Well just for the record, it doesn't." Tony grouched.

"As if you need any more caffeine." Pepper and Steve shot back in perfect synchronization, observing the large mug on the table he'd recently emptied.

"I have yet to understand the mortal fascination with the hot brown liquid." Thor added in a surprisingly prim tone, turning his nose up.

"I am partial to dark roast, myself. It is an acquired taste." Loki contributed with an in-case-anyone-cares glance around the room.

Tony affixed his companions with an almost desperate expression.

"I'll be back before 6. Please don't kill my house."

"_Kill house_. Challenge accepted." Loki smirked sarcastically, then giggled devilishly as Tony's face went pale.

"Follow my 10 rules. All of you. I'll be checking in via JARVIS every hour on the hour and if anything goes wrong, I'll know. _I'm watching you._" he finished with an attempt at a menacing expression which looked more like he was on the verge of having a stroke.

"Fear not, Friend Stark." said Thor merrily through a mouthful of bacon. "The Captain and I shall see to it that your house is kept safe, and we will feast mightily upon your triumphant return from the place known as _work_."

"We'd better get going too." Clint spoke up. "We're not technically authorized to be Skyping during working hours."

"Oooh. We've got a badass over here." Loki teased, causing Clint to flinch at the sound of his voice.

"Remind me never to visit you again. I've had enough of that guy to last the rest of my life." the master marksman grumbled.

"Wimp." said Nat, gently punching Clint in the arm. "Seriously. Just call if you need backup, boys. We'll be there. Or at least _I _will…"

"Avengers, disassemble!" Bruce concluded, providing a hi-five through the screen. Steve, Tony, then Thor ruefully returned the gesture. (Thor hi-fived a little harder than necessary, and the screen flickered ominously while making a crackling sound.) All the while, Loki had listened to the conversation with an utterly entertained expression, the way a teenager might observe a wacky children's show. The Skype window closed, and Tony and Pepper got up and made for the door.

"Remember. Daddy's watching. Behave." IronMan finalized, pointing two fingers at his eyeballs and then at his friends, universal sign language for I'm Watching You.

"Have a good day, boys. Remember, no fighting and no using the oven. You know where the snacks are. Just don't have too much sugar or you won't be able to eat your supper. And Steve, _don't _let Thor finish all the PopTarts." Pepper added.

"You have my word, Ma'am." Steve replied with a respectful salute which brought a smile to Pepper's face. As she and Tony slipped out the door, she could be heard informing him that he should take lessons in polite conduct from Steve.

###

50 minutes later...

"_Tony Stark checked in at Stark Tower with Pepper Potts and Happy Hogan." _Thor read aloud. "But how does the book of faces _know _this?"

"Really, Thor? You think _I_ know how Facebook works?" Steve replied bemusedly, looking away from his sketchbook to see what Thor was up to. The two blonds were currently lounging about in the basement rec room. The Cap was lying comfortably across a small couch, sketching peacefully while the god of thunder sat in a gigantic beanbag chair on the floor, holding one of Tony's "outdated" old laptops which he'd claimed as his own. They were each keeping at least one eye on Loki, who was sitting in a reclining armchair on the side of the room, investigating Pepper's iPad. So far, nothing extraordinary or dangerous had happened.

Give it time.

"Heimdall must have created the all-seeing book of faces. That is the only possible solution for the fact that it seems to know everything about everyone." Thor theorized.

"Somehow, I doubt it." Steve sighed.

"Then _you_ provide an explanation as to the source of its powers." the god replied stubbornly as he scrolled through his news feed.

"I dunno, buddy. Elves?"

"_Preposterous." _

"You're both shamefully incorrect. All of Facebook's data is entered by its own individual users." Loki drawled boredly across the room.

"You mean to say… that people _willingly _document their _lives _into this virtual wasteland?" Thor shot back suspiciously.

"If the fact that your friend Agent Coulson listed his current employment as _Resident SuperNanny _at _S.H.I.E.L.D. Inc. _doesn't speak for itself, I don't know what does. Not to mention the fact that he recently updated his status to; _Nothing is better than tacos, fuzzy socks, and the deleted scenes of episode 24. I heart my new DVD box set. Best day ever. Smiley face." _Loki read out monotonously.

"…How are you seeing that?" Steve inquired in bafflement.

"Dear Phillip is on my friend list." the trickster replied serenely.

"He hasn't confirmed _me _yet!" Steve fumed.

Three days ago, Pepper had sat Steve and Thor down and helped them register for the ultimate social network. After just three days on Facebook, the 21st century made even less sense to them.

"_Nice_ profile picture, brother. Utterly _becoming." _Loki commented scathingly as he shot a friend request Thor's way, out of what was presumably sheer curiosity. Thor's profile pic was currently set to a much-too-close-up shot of the side of his face, accidentally taken when he'd gotten up close and personal with the webcam. He was at a loss for how to change it, so it was stuck for now. Then there was his profile's cover photo, which was a documentation of the first celebration following the battle - the 6 'vengers were sitting in a row at the bar, clearly revelling in their own awesomeness. From left to right sat Tony, who had one arm around Nat, who was cheering on Clint, who was standing on the stool holding a dart which seemed to be aiming directly for whoever was taking the picture. Then there was Bruce, grinning from ear to ear and pouring beer into the gaping jaws of Thor, who was somehow lying across several stools. And finally there was Steve, who bore the unmistakable facial expression of someone who was doomed to forever be DD.

Loki took it all in, momentarily tuning out Thor's furious defence of the quality of his profile. At first glance, the people in the picture looked like your regular drunken babbling bumbling band of baboons (albeit super baboons) but closer investigation made it clear that this wasn't just a gang of pals out for a night on the town. This was a snapshot the ultimate team, sharing a bond forged in blood, sweat, and tears. To put it in very simple terms, _friends. _Best, best, friends.

Even after a life of lurking in shadows, after all the years he'd spent trailing after Thor and the Warriors Three in the vain hope they'd accept him into their little posse, Loki couldn't recall ever feeling quite so… left out.

So he donned his patented evil smirk and silently informed his feelings that they need not exist.

###

Meanwhile at Stark Industries…

Tony was about as happy as a beaver at the dentist. He hadn't even been permitted to finish his revoltingly bland car coffee before being hustled into his first item on his dauntingly long agenda: a press conference to discuss IronMan's involvement in the battle. And naturally disclosing as little information about S.H.I.E.L.D. and his fellow Avengers as possible. He enjoyed answering stupid questions nearly as much as he enjoyed being handed things, and before the end of the conference his eloquent and deflective answers had dissolved into retorts such as "I don't know, why do YOU think the target was under the impression earthlings would make good slaves?" "Does the phrase _I've told you five times already that's CLASSIFIED information _mean anything to you?" and finally, "Here, go buy yourself a nose job. I couldn't hear your stupid question over the sound of that schnoz ruining your career."

Pepper had the sense to call it quits at that point, the conference was adjourned before anyone could file a formal complaint and an irate Tony made fast tracks to his office - and more importantly, his espresso machine.

He'd been sitting in his comfy chair for .3 seconds when JARVIS chimed in;

"Sir, there's a call waiting on line eight for you. Caller ID: Anthony Stark. The call is coming from inside your house."

"Connect me." the genius sighed, distinctly recalling informing Thor and Steve not to contact him at work unless it was an absolute emergency. Unless someone was dying, he'd kill them.

"Friend Stark?" Thor's voice quavered across the air waves.

"Yeah, buddy. What's goin' on?" Tony replied, beginning to feel slightly concerned.

"I fear your home is under attack!" (_Oh God.) "_I am hiding under the table. There's an terrifying noise coming from the evil box beside the window in the kitchen. " the immortal reported in a nervous whisper. "It sounds like this: _krrrsshoooooooowww!_"

Tony's apprehension was immediately replaced by a strong mix of relief and exasperation. Mostly just exasperation.

"It's not evil, Thor. It's the air conditioner, that's what keeps the house cool. It makes that noise when it comes on." the industrialist finally responded after a long sip on his java.

"No. It's very evil." Thor hissed back. "_Friend Rogers, cover me! _I'm going in…"

Tony facepalmed as Thor's heavily cautious footsteps became audible in the background.

"Here I go… it's… it's… _oh_ you're right! It's all okay. And what a fine cool breeze this intimidating box produces indeed! _Ahh, _I feel as though I am out-of-doors! Friend Rogers, come experience this wonderment!"

Tony cursed under his breath. A second voice drifted in through the receiver:

"Good grief, Thor. Here, give me that. Hello? Tony?" said Steve as his voice became clear.

_"What is going on in my house?" _

"Nothing, nothing, not a thing. Everything's fine." the supersoldier replied a bit too breezily. "Just… when exactly can we expect you home?"

"Uhm, 6? Maybe earlier if I can ditch my afternoon board meeting without Pepper getting mad at me. Why? Is everything okay?"

"Oh, don't worry yourself. We're doing just fine. Uhm… one moment… GOTTA GO TONY BYE."

There was a shrill beep and a loud crash, but the line did not disconnect. Then there was the muffled rustle of the phone being picked up.

"Good morning, Mr. Stark. I trust you are having a relaxing first day back to work." Loki's silky voice oozed through the line.

_"What the hell are you doing to my friends?"_

"Your _friends_? My goodness, they say one chooses friends who they believe to mirror their own personality aspirations. If this is the case, you're aiming rather low if you don't mind me saying. And don't worry, I haven't had time to blow up your house what with the… erm, _adventures _which are currently being had by my brother and Mr. Rogers. How interesting, it takes merely a flick of a switch to set them air conditioner was most simple to operate, which means it's _just _out of Thor's capability range. The results were most entertaining, as you heard."

"Give the guy a break. Go sit in your room and re-colour the walls or something." Tony groaned, figuring some re-decorating would be less harmful than whatever the hell was going on back there.

"I have moved beyond such petty forms of entertainment. Your house is much funner than a prison cell." the master of chaos replied lightly. "What time did you say you were returning? 6? That will be cutting it very close indeed, I don't know how much of your house will be standing in 8 hours but I'll do my best. Anywho, I'll leave you to it. Farewell, Mr. Stark."

_Beep._

"Jarv, show me the camera feed!" Tony ordered, beginning to feel rather nauseous.

"Incoming, Sir." the AI replied calmly, filling Tony's widescreen desktop computer with a grid of the live feed of all the house cameras.

"There, zoom on camera 8."

Camera 8's feed expanded to fullscreen, and Tony leaned back with a frustratedly furious sigh. Playing across his screen was a live view of his kitchen, which was looking remarkably unlike his kitchen. There had been a fort constructed out of chairs near the table. Although it was currently empty, Tony would have bet everything he owned that it was a certain blond immortal's handiwork. On the other side of the room, Thor himself was standing not _at_, but _in _the fridge, his feet on the bottom level as his entire upper torso had nearly disappeared into the cold depths as he rummaged. Either he was looking for Narnia, or there was something _really_ fucking tasty back there which was proving difficult to reach. Diagonally from that situation was a whole other can of worms. Steve was by the countertop, locked in mortal combat with… _oh shit, _Pepper's favourite fruit smoothie machine. Looking on the bright side, the lid must have been safe and sound somewhere else because the colourful contents of the glass bowl part was creating something of a fruit juice blizzard as it covered everything in a five-foot radius. The camera did not pick up sound, but Steve looked like he was screaming in terror. Or maybe he was trying to catch the juice in his mouth. Either way, things weren't working out for him.

And then there was Loki, sitting cross-legged on the kitchen island watching the carnage and nibbling on Tony's favourite chips - the Sweet Chili Heat Doritos he'd hidden so far back in the snack cupboard he'd sworn nobody else would ever find them. Then, as though he knew he was being watched, the black-haired god turned to look right up at the (supposedly hidden) camera and flash a huge grin accompanied by a thumbs-up.

Tony decided right then and there that Fmylife-dot-com had nothing on him.

###

As it turned out, ditching his board meeting to speed his return to the home front would not be a possibility because it would lead mean paperwork, and he was allergic to paperwork. As it turned out, everyone and their mother was bound and determined that he never leave his workplace because they had made it their mission to make sure everything he did took as much time as humanly possible, whether it was further irritating him with IronMan questions or trying to worm their way into his schedule or having the audacity to _try to hand him things for eff's sakes_ or simply tripping in front of where he was walking. As it turned out, the board of directors had had seemingly made a collective agreement to make his life a living hell for the 2 and a half hours he was locked inside the dreaded meeting. Combine that with the fact that JARVIS was sending him a consistent stream of updates, each more bizarre and upsetting than the next:

_11:59 am _

_From: JARVIS_

_To: Bossman_

_Sir, there are loud and frightened screams coming from the bathroom which Mr. Rogers is currently inside. There are no cameras so I cannot be sure as to what is occurring, but it sounds rather violent._

_12:01 pm_

_From: Bossman_

_To: JARVIS_

_Is he alone in there?_

_12:03 pm:_

_From: JARVIS_

_To: Bossman_

_Affirmative._

_12:06 pm_

_From: Bossman_

_To: JARVIS_

_He probably fell in the fucking toilet or something. Get DUM-E to pick the lock and see what's going on._

_12:07 pm_

_From: Bossman_

_To: JARVIS_

_Jarv?_

_12:08 pm_

_From: Bossman_

_To: JARVIS_

_JARVIS._

_12:09 pm_

_From: Bossman_

_To: JARVIS_

_WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE_

_12:10_

_From: Bossman_

_To: JARVIS_

_If you don't reply in one second I'll sell you to the public school system._

_12:11 pm_

_From: JARVIS_

_To: Bossman_

_Mr. Odinson has already taken care of the situation, Sir. I am pleased to inform you that Mr. Rogers is alive and well. He attempted to take a shower but could not manage adjusting the water temperature which was minus-20 degrees celsius, and was unable to open the sliding glass door. Mr. Odinson sincerely apologizes for demolishing both the bathroom and the shower door with his hammer. Mr. Rogers is currently wrapped in 5 of your favourite microfiber blankets _

_12:12 pm_

_From: Bossman_

_To: Jarvis:_

…_brb jumping out window_

_###_

_1:19 pm_

_From: JARVIS_

_To: Bossman_

_Assuming your earlier remark about jumping out the window was indeed sarcasm and you are currently alive and well, I am now pleased to report that the automatic cleaning cycle you programmed into DUM-E has worked extraordinarily well, and the kitchen is now free of fruit juice remnants. At least in the areas DUM-E was able to reach, that is._

_1:22 pm_

_From: Bossman_

_To: JARVIS_

_Thanks for the good news? Why do I feel like you're omitting something?_

_1:23 pm_

_From: JARVIS_

_To: Bossman_

_You no longer own a Roomba._

_1:24 pm_

_From: Bossman_

_To: JARVIS_

_I owned a Roomba?_

_1:26 pm_

_From: JARVIS_

_To: Bossman_

_Miss Potts gifted you with one for your half-birthday last year. _

_1:27 pm_

_From: Bossman_

_To: JARVIS_

_That's what that thing was?_

_1:28 pm_

_From: JARVIS_

_To: Bossman_

_Astute observatory skills, Sir. _

_1:30 pm_

_From: Bossman_

_To: JARVIS_

_When one owns as many robotic devices as myself, one may not take immediate note of something used to suck filth from floors. _

_1:33 pm_

_From: JARVIS_

_To: Bossman_

_On May 6 2010 you commented to me, and I quote: "_Where'd that come from? Do you and DUM-E have a kid I don't know about?"

_1:35 pm_

_From: Bossman_

_To: JARVIS_

_Good to know you keep records of my jewels of wisdom. I remember that thing now. What the hell happened to it?_

_1:36 pm_

_From: JARVIS_

_To: Bossman_

_It made the fatal error of "chasing" Thor. _

_1:38 pm_

_From: Bossman_

_To: JARVIS_

_Say no more…_

_###_

_3:04 pm_

_From: JARVIS_

_To: Bossman_

_Just a quick question, Sir. Were you fond of your one-of-a-kind Obama-ized IronMan poster?_

_3:06 pm_

_From: Bossman_

_To: JARVIS_

_Considerably. _

_3:07 pm_

_From: JARVIS_

_To: Bossman_

_In that case, I recommend you sit down before I deliver my report._

_3:10 pm_

_From: Bossman_

_To: JARVIS_

_ALKSHSGDFEGSH!1111_

_###_

_6:40 pm_

_To: JARVIS_

_From: Bossman_

_That meeting could not have been more dragged out and hellish. Pepper confiscated my phone and then one of the board guys decided to go and have a heart attack and waiting for the stupid ambulance set us back an hour. Long story short, my hair has gone grey and my life expectancy has shortened by at least a decade. What's the damage? Oh, and book me a massage. _

_6:41 pm_

_To: JARVIS_

_From: Bossman_

_Let's see the camera feed while you're at it. _

_6:43 pm_

_To: JARVIS_

_From: Bossman_

_JARVIS._

_6:45 pm_

_To: JARVIS_

_From: Bossman_

_JARVIS?_

_6:50 pm_

_To: JARVIS_

_From: Bossman_

_I meant what I said about selling you to public school. _

_7:01 pm_

_To: JARVIS_

_From: Bossman_

_Almost home. Assuming the house has been demolished and you are no longer operable. If that's the case, see you never. If you CAN hear me, start coming up with a damn excellent excuse for ignoring my messages. What the hell are you, my teenage son? _

_###_

"Well, the house looks fine." Pepper pointed out as the limo cruised up the long driveway to the Stark mansion.

"I would like to remind you that there is a vast amount of things _inside _the _apparently fine_ house that are most likely _not fine_." Tony griped. "See, look. No lights on. They knocked the power out."

"Maybe JARVIS is being environmentally conscious." Pepper suggested.

"How much damage could they _really _do in one day?" Happy added from the driver's seat.

"I'm going to act like you _didn't_ just say that." was Tony's clipped reply as the limo smoothly braked by his front door. He half-expected to be vaporized or attacked or something as he got out and walked cautiously up to the door. There was no sound as he slipped inside, followed by Pepper.

"Guys?" he called out to the darkness. "Jarv, put on some lights! Hello? How about that. He's still ignoring me. Guess we're being Amish today."

"Or you could use the switches." Pepper sighed.

"Pfft, like wild animals? Let's be serious here. Also, I don't know where they are."

"I honestly don't know how you've survived this long." Pepper muttered, locating a light switch and flipping it.

"Charm and luck, mostly."

"That's what I thought."

The long walk to the main living area revealed no signs of life or damage. Tony didn't know whether to be relieved or terrified, what if they were all dead? Fury would go absolutely bananas and of course it would be all Tony's fault and blah blah blah.

Then, he heard a thump. Not a particularly violent one, but a thump just the same.

"It's coming from the kitchen." Pepper whispered, sounding reminiscent of a horror movie character prior to a very gruesome and unexpected death. It's important to note that Tony's house has two kitchens: one industrial-sized one equipped with a team of gourmet chefs, generally used for functions with more than a dozen people, and one normal (okay, this is Tony Stark we're talking about, so _slightly _bigger than normal) one for days when fancy, extravagant meals were unnecessary, when quick, easy, and yummy was all that was needed.

In this case, the threatening thump was emanating from the latter.

Tony paused just beyond the doorway, out of view of the kitchen.

"Pepper, I don't know what we're gonna find in this room. But if this is the end, I just want you to know-"

"Oh, save it." the strawberry blonde scoffed, pushing past her overstressed boss and into the kitchen. Tony waited for a bloodcurdling scream of shock and horror or some equally disturbing reaction, but all he heard was a politely surprised gasp and,

"Oh my God! You shouldn't have!"

The dark-haired playboy slid around the corner to check things out for himself. He stopped beside Pepper and with one glance took it all in.

"No, really. You _shouldn't _have." he commented drily.

The scene that greeted him was not quite the wasteland of destruction he'd been envisioning, but it was far _far_ from the immaculate house he enjoyed coming home to.

The first thing he noticed was the smell. It was like a Machu Wok had a lovechild with McDonald's, and then _that_ creature violently bludgeoned a Taco Bell. The second thing was that every single appliance and utensil (and that was a considerable amount) had seemingly been used at least once and then left to perish on the countertop or in the sink or on the damn _floor_ without being cleaned. Additionally, there had clearly been a vast amount of cooking performed, a fact made apparent by the entire contents of the fridge having been relocated across the rest of the kitchen, and the fridge door wide open and quite empty.

Not to be forgotten, there was also the matter of the table. It had been turned into a veritable buffet of everything from Chinese noodles to chicken McNuggets to giant tacos. Either the theme was multiculturalism, or someone had decided to throw themes out the window and just cooked _everything in fucking sight. _Tony suspected it was much more the latter; his eyes finally fell on the three figures at the table:

Thor, sitting on the right with a triple-stuffed taco in each hand. Steve, on the left still wearing an apron and oven mitts. And of course Loki, parked as far away from Tony's spot as possible _(thank you, Pepper)_ and wearing a look of supreme disdain.

"Yep. Definitely shouldn't have." Tony recapped.

"We prepared you a feast to celebrate your triumphant return from the dreaded land of _work_!" Thor greeted delightedly.

"You sure did!" said Pepper rather breathlessly as she stared at the kitchen.

"Friend Stark, have you defeated your work foes? Is this indeed a triumphant return?" Thor added worriedly, observing Tony's slightly scarred expression.

"Because that doesn't look like a triumphant face." Steve noted astutely.

"Because it's kinda not." Tony replied irritably. "Because I can't hear my meal over the sound of my kitchen screaming in pain, having been _violated _within an inch of its life."

"_Dark._" Loki contributed with a light smirk.

"Welcome home, Sir." JARVIS spoke up. "I apologize for delaying my response to your messages, I have been preoccupied by directing your friends on the proper methods of cooking, and DUM-E has been performing his specialty duty of fire patrol."

"Oh, I see how it is. You're perfectly fine with the fact that I'm having a coronary, while you give cooking classes. Cool."

"Tony! Be kind. Have you forgotten the Great Birthday Smash of 2010?" Pepper reprimanded.

"Destruction doesn't bother me when it's _my_ fault." the billionaire lamented. "Do I even want to know what happened to my poster?"

"No." Steve mumbled.

"How about my Roomba?"

"Are you referring to the miniature floor-dwelling demon?" Thor growled. "I have taken care of it. It will not bother you again. To think it had the audacity to attempt to eat your floor dirt! Why is everyone looking at me?" he added as his comrades fell silent and stared at him in condescending awe.

Loki applauded his brother in sarcastic slow-motion. Steve eyed the taco shells apprehensively. Pepper discretely picked up her phone and Googled _weekend spa getaway packages for one_. Thor guffawed about how this particular chicken McNugget looked exactly like Fury's head. Over in the corner, DUM-E broke a dish and then "glanced" nervously over his "shoulder" as though expecting punishment. JARVIS ran a diagnostic on the shattered bits and built a virtual map of how to put them back together.

Tony looked around at his wayward pals and sighed in defeat. The bitchy remark that had been brewing died before it passed his lips, and he took a seat between his two blond brothers-in-arms

There was always tomorrow.

_Oh shit, _now he had that to worry about… there was nothing left to do, except -

"Thor, be a champ and pass me a Chinese McTaco."

* * *

Hi again.

Chapter 5 notes!

1. Yay for the other Avengers :) they will get plenty more playtime in this. I've really been bonding with the others more and more lately.

2. Tony's _"But that's MY spot!" _predicament-inspired by Dr. Sheldon Cooper, ladies and gentlemen.

3. Babbling Bumbling Band of Baboons - cookies to whoever knows where that's from.

4. The evil box making the evil noise - ripped off/inspired by BUDDY THE ELF! *hugs*

5. I had SO much fun writing JARVIS and Tony's textual conversation. I actually wrote them last weekend in bed after driving 40 minutes in a blizzard, home from a party at 530 am. Yeah, _AM_. I was so out of it, I was into it.

6. Roombas are fucking scary, man.

7. Tony's Obama-ized IronMan poster is the one he was hanging up in IM2 :) WANT!

8. The _Great Birthday Smash of 2010 _was Tony's bday escapade in IM2 in case you didn't get it xD

9. As you can see, this chapter was from Tony's POV because I've really been feelin' him lately, but if my brain co-operates I plan to switch up POVs as often as possible.

10. These past couple of weeks I've really been cracked out on the IronMan fandom. It was Thor that got me into Avengers, which is why this fic is here, but I'm feeling more and more guilty about why this story is in the Thor section rather than IronMan (since it's taking place in Tony's universe), or even a crossover. Will this site fuck me over and delete my account if I post it into IronMan as well? If anyone has some insight, I'd love to hear it.

SO. Now that I've made it 5 chapters and been way more successful than I ever imagined this story would be, and now that the weather is unfreezing and everything is coming back to life, it's time to give you guys The Talk. I give all my new fandoms The Talk - I. Ride. Horses: I am a barrel racer. I am an equestrian drill team member. I am a competitor. I am a gamer - and I'm not talking Xbox, I'm talking 1200lb animal going 30mph around metal barrels. Why is this relevant to you? It's not. I'm telling you because it takes precedence in my life during... well, all year round, but specifically between the months between March and October. Our ON season has officially begun, and this takes a huge bite out of the ass of my updating/reading/reviewing/general fangirling time. It's too bad because I love my life within this screen but I love the real one more, you understand. So all I'm really saying is that my real life has started which means I live in a horse barn more than usual and survive on Rockstar drinks and beef jerky. Don't panic if this story lags because I'll put all the more effort into it for that. I promise I won't give up on it because I LOVE IT SO MUCH! :) I have brought my laptop to the barn and written chapters while waiting for practice to start before, and I will do it again. It's the best of both worlds and it all makes me such a happy camper :]

Anyway, I hope all my talking hasn't been a total drag. Luhbb youuzz :)

If you've reviewed, thank you for making me smile. If you've subbed/faved **WITHOUT** reviewing, thanks but no thanks. Seriously. Don't lurk, it makes me edgy.

Till next time!

RXP


	6. Very Important PostMovie Note

**This author's note is _NOT_ spoiler-free. If you haven't seen the movie, leave this page and come back when you know what's going on. Don't say I didn't warn you. **

* * *

Hello House Arrest readers :)

Now that Avengers has finally hit North American theatres with full force, I'm sure nearly everyone's seen it at least once by now (and if you haven't, don't walk RUN to the theatre **RIGHT NOW** because it will change your life. Drive over the speed limit if you have to. I swear to God it's soo worth it.)

I was very pleased with the movie, not only because it was everything I ever wanted plus more, but it also didn't completely blow my House Arrest plans out of the water. However, now that we know what's canon and what isn't, I don't want to continue House Arrest the way it is. So as of now, THIS story will be discontinued. Before you start crying, House Arrest is NOT over. I'm going to take the chapters I have and edit them so they are (slightly more) movie compatible. Then I will re-post them in the Avengers section where they belong, NOT this one.

So to recap, it'll be a rebooted remixed version of what you've already read. Basically an alternate ending to the movie. There will be a few changes, for example:

- It will _not_ be entirely focused around Thor and Loki's relationship.  
- It will _not _be centred around _just_ Tony, Steve, Thor, and Loki. Prior to this, I wasn't familiar with the other Avengers but I am now. Leaving them out would be wrong.  
- There will be more Fury, more SHIELD.  
- I'm going to tell you straight up, I refuse to kill Coulson. It's just not going to happen. Canon or not, I can't find a fuck to give. There IS a Phil Coulson in my world. End of story.  
- The Avengers aren't going to each go off in their separate ways like they do in the end. Well, duh!

But mostly everything else will stay the same. I loved Loki's characterization and dialogue because it was perfect for what I'd already written! THANK YOU JOSS! :D

House Arrest 2.0... I'm really excited :)

If you haven't subbed me yet, I recommend you do so, unless you like check the Avengers section daily because it should be up within the week, maybe even today. I repeat, this story will no longer be updated here, although I am leaving it up.

See you in the Avengers archive! :)

RXP


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